2 min

Gay pornstar criteria

Trade tips

Not everyone can look like Matthew Rush, but wannabe pornstars should take care of their bodies. Credit: Patrick Lightheart and the 10x10

As I have said before, porn is nothing if not a respite for weirdos, perverts and sluts who enjoy the experience of showing off for the camera. That being said, there’s a certain amount of professionalism required if one expects to work in the adult entertainment industry.

1) Take care of your body

Look, not everyone in porn is going to look like Matthew Rush, as much as I wish they did. Everyone is sexy to someone out there, so there will always be a niche for any body type. But for God’s sake, it wouldn’t kill you to take a shower. If you walk onto set unwashed, reeking of week-old swamp ass and trailing a dust cloud like Pig-Pen from Peanuts, don’t be surprised when people in hazmat suits hose you down. And if you’re also bottoming, proper douching is kind of a requirement. Not that there isn’t a fetish for the difficult brown, but you kinda have to know your audience.

2) Know how to play to the camera

It doesn’t matter if you’re gay, straight, bi, asexual, queer, et cetera. If you’re going to go into porn, it’s imperative that you actually enjoy sex (or failing that, convince us you enjoy sex). No one wants to watch someone lie motionless and silent for 15 minutes, his unblinking face a mask of blank indifference as the camera rolls. Porn involves a fair amount of acting, and not everyone is capable of it. It’s about knowing which facial expressions read as euphoric and which read as “I was kicked in the head by a horse when I was a child.” It’s about knowing how to moan realistically and how not to shriek like the dying caterwauls of a demon from the darkest depths of R’lyeh. And it’s about being sexually invested in your partner and expressing arousal, intimacy and connection. Or at least being able to fake it.

3) It’s not all about you

Porn is about loving sex. It is not about you clamouring for attention. Granted, in the entertainment industry, fame is a decent barometer for your level of success. Fame is not, however, the end goal. If your sole reason for going into porn is for the sake of validation, you might be doing it for the wrong reasons.

4) When in doubt, just remember not to be a dick

Porn might not be the hardest job, but it’s still a job. Treat it like you would any other gig: show up on time, be prepared, be respectful to others . . . it’s not that hard. If you’re showing up to set late, constantly getting high and trashing everyone you can for the sake of getting some publicity — whoops! You fucked up. You have failed at the easiest, most fun job in the world. Ultimately, porn isn’t such a hard job. All you have to do is find your niche and try not to act like a douchebag.