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Gilligan’s Island as a model for a porn sitcom

An embarassing fantasy: who would fuck whom first?

OH LOVEY. Who would you cast in your Gilligan's Island porno? Credit: John Webster illustration

In my youth, when time was not the luxury it is now, I had a vast array of quite extraordinarily intricate masturbatory fantasies that involved all manner of people, places and things. (If I could remember more than a very few of these no doubt my therapist would have made a much easier job of me.) I do, however, harbour with some fondness and, strangely, total recall one particular constellation of fantasies: those that took place on, and with the inhabitants of, Gilligan’s Island. (And yes, I am blushing as I commit this to cyberpaper.)

All of this to say, I wonder why no porn director has ever taken it upon themselves to generate a porno sitcom — just one, 13-episode season. Simplicity itself, especially with Gilligan’s Island as the model. Create seven characters, underwrite their parts, place them in a vacuum and come up with several far-fetched, comical tales. The only hard part is deciding who’s going to fuck whom first.

Actually, that’s not entirely true — casting would be a bitch. The lesser characters are easiest, perhaps. I’d have Mary Ann played by Brad Benton, based on the comic timing he displayed in Beyond Perfect (Colt) and his turn as a good little midwestern boy in Dirty Little Sins (Red Devil Entertainment).

At first, I thought the Professor (whom I always saved for special moments in my teenaged fantasies) would be played by Logan Reed. But then, on the casting couch in my head, I realized he’d be better in the role of Ginger, mostly based on his Hollywood leading-man looks. Oh, and the fact that he probably looks good in a floor-length glittery gown. Which led me to think that the Professor should be played by a guest star on each episode — a radical idea for a sitcom, perhaps, but in porn you really need as many surprises as you can get.

So what about the Howells? I feel like they’d be best played by a real-life couple and I’ve settled, finally, on Lance Gear and Peter Raeg. You just need to see them go at it with each other in the opening scene of Sexus (Raging Stallion) to figure that one out. I’d be so excited to hear Lance call Peter “Lovey” while he screws that perfect butt.

Which leaves Gilligan and the Skipper. I really can’t decide. Fred Halsted and Matt Cole? Too overwrought. Jake Andrews and Jesse Balboa? That’s just really bland. This is harder than I thought.

Maybe I should try adapting a nighttime soap instead. Melrose Place comes to mind first. No doubt it would be a nightmare — please, find me a gay pornstar who isn’t going to want to play Heather Locklear.