Vancouver
4 min

Gone tomorrow

Nature gave us hair and it is our feminine duty to fight it

Hair removal is not a new problem. It has plagued us, oops, I mean you, gah! I mean them since time immemorial.

Oh dear. What was I saying?

Oh right, hair removal! It’s a pesky pretzel of a problem. True feminine beauty is generally seen as hairless, unless you’re from some foreign country of course. Hairy tufting armpits seem to be all the rage in certain climaxing climates. It is quite common to have long black dramatic hairs hanging out from underneath your burlap sleeveless shifts! Beastly if you ask me, but to each, hair own.

Now, sit up straight and pay attention, you furry beasts! Madame Nature gave us hair and it is our feminine duty to fight it. True allure is not found lurking under a moustache. Nor is it found in noxious dangling leg and pube hair. Quelle horror!

There are two types of hair removal, temporary and permanent. Temporary hair removal includes, tweezing and cream depilatories (Nair, for those of you who dwell under rocks). There is also the good old-fashioned, yet dependable, shaving. These are closely followed by the time-honored method known as yanking out by the roots, often used in times of duress.

Tweezing is most commonly used for brow shaping and editing any unwanted scragglers around the chin area. You may also remove any long free-ranging undesirables from the lip, cheek or nosal cavities. This makes application of makeup smoother and greatly enhances the view for those who have to look at you, n’est pas? Just take a few moments each day to go over your face with the tweezers. It’s magical really.

Some people, and I won’t mention names because I think you know who you are, like to use hair lightening. This special bleaching has been used for years to lessen the visibility of mutant moustaches and burgeoning beards. Personally, I can’t think of anything more tres gauche! Facial bleaches can leave you with brassy face hairs or roots on your face. I must purse my lips and say no more.

Nair can be marvelously effective, notwithstanding a certain odor. If you don’t mind a whiff of deep-fried hair in your beauty regimen, you will do well with this product. Remember, my little nutmegs, never to use Nair on your beautiful face, no matter what they tell you on the package. They lie. You will ruin your visage and go all red and blotchy. Makeup will never cover it. NEVER COVER IT! I will say no more. I repeat! No more.

I do have a fun tip for you frisky party gals who like it bald, if you sassy things know what I mean. Put a generous amount of petroleum jelly in your nooks and nethercrannies and Nair away like there is no tomorrow. The jelly will save you from discomfort and blazing burns and may even provide quite a bit of pleasure as well. Let your fingers do the walking.

Now, let me wax poetic for a moment my tender poodles. This is one of my favourite methods for removal of the unwanted cheveux. Although you may find certain areas difficult to reach, and some particular seconds of this process painful, I think you will come to agree with me.

What am I saying? Of course you will agree with me. Am I not your beauty guru and your style goddess? Hush, you may kiss my crop!

Before waxing, you must clean the area to be waxed with rubbing alcohol. Do it! Then you may spread powder over the blighted hairy bit and begin to apply your wax. Evenly over the skin now, using a spatula and always following the direction of the hair growth. You will then place your cloth strip on the wax and wait for hardening.

I do so enjoy waiting for the hardening.

Quickly pull the strip of cloth off in the opposite direction to hair growth. You may feel the need to scream into a satin pillow at this point and that is just perfectly all right. It is done in all the best places. Some people do so love to hear the sound of a beauty screaming. Let it out! I have never seen the virtue in suffering in silence, too isolating really.

After you are lying there, all spent and hairless, it is a good idea to apply a bit of cream with a few drops of lavender oil. This will dramatically cut down on any rash or bacteria that could occur. It also will give you a minute or two in which to contemplate your new- found hairlessness. So much closer to our feminine ideal, yes? Also a good time for a stiff drink or two, just to soothe the tender throat nodules.

Lastly but not leastly, we come to shaving. Ahh, what could be better than the razor cleaning off all those annoying little hindrances to our ultimate allure? Shaving is so basic. I barely feel that I need to squeak out a sentence on the matter. You know it all too well my darlings, I’m sure you do.

However, I feel it is my civic duty to impart just a few of my nuggets of golden beauty wisdom. Don’t thank me, I do it for love!

If you are one of nature’s sensitive types, as I’m sure you imagine you are, it is a good idea to dip the blade in rubbing alcohol after use. You should also always rinse the blade with hot water, cleanliness, my pebbles, lest we forget!

Try to use a nice efficient short stroke when shaving. It’s best really. If you rinse the blade after each stroke, it gets even better!

That’s it for this time. I feel the need for a refreshing adult beverage. Perhaps a doubly refreshing adult bevvie! What could be peppier? My silken legs, my alluring armpits and radiant visage demand intoxicating spirits.

Next time we prattle on like this, we’ll deal with the serious issue of permanent hair removal. I suggest you fortify yourselves with another good stiff one for that. Of course, I always think this is a wise maneuver.

Ta Ta! And remember, unwanted hair is best when it is not the hair apparent! Kisses!