World Wide Web
3 min

Google launches gaydar

BY ROB SALERNO – The online search engine Google has created a new way to find out if your favourite celebrities are gay, straight or bi.

All you have to do is type in a question about the celebrity you’re curious about and Google will provide the answer. For example, “Is Hugh Jackman gay?” will return the result “Best guess for Hugh Jackman Sexual orientation is Straight.” If you click on “View Sources” below the answer, it’ll even point you to the news sources that have reported on that person’s sexuality.

The program has some obvious deficiencies. Its results are based only on reported statements, so if Mr Jackman is secretly sucking off younger dudes in back alleys before taking them roughly on the sands of Bondai Beach under pale moonlight while the waves crash on the shores, our bodies dripping with sweat as I scream out “Take me, Wolverine! You are the best there is at what you do!"… wait, what was my point?

Oh right, the program collects and parses only statements made to the media, so if they’re not out publicly, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re straight.

And it answers for only a relative handful of celebrities. Sure, it’ll answer that Elton John is gay, but apparently George Michael and Chris Colfer elude its delicate gaydar sensors.

By the way, you have to ask really simple questions like “Is Elton John gay?” If you ask “Does Elton John prefer cock or vag?” or “What’s the deal with Richard Gere and the gerbil rumours from the ‘90s?” it gets confused. 

In particular, Canada’s favourite ambiguously gay celebs don’t generate any answers from the search engine. I won’t repeat who I tried, but you can go on and guess yourselves. If anything turns up, post in the comments, straight or gay.

On a completely unrelated note, Anderson Cooper revealed on his talk show that he doesn’t drink any hot liquids (settle down) or eat green vegetables, which just sounds unbelievable, no?

Well, here’s the video where he has his first-ever sip of coffee and tries spinach and Brussels sprouts for the first time. 

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