Can you “handle a redhead with a little bit of sass?” Lindsay Lohan asks in her eHarmony profile parody at FunnyOrDie.com. The spoof, released just days before her exclusive “I Am So Alone” interview with US Weekly, hit the web on Apr 20 and lampoons Lohan’s own histrionics of late and the pomp and pageantry with which she and Samantha Ronson’s two-year relationship ended earlier this month.
In addition to crashing parties and cars, and “passing out in Cadillac Escalades,” Lohan quips, a “compatible mate” must enjoy “a night out on the town — as long as he or she is driving, of course,” and appreciate “ankle-monitoring bracelets.” Oh, and no “family members” who are “quick to issue restraining orders.”
Rumour has it that Ronson broke up with Lohan at the end of March, at which point LiLo moved out of Ronson’s Hollywood Hills home and into a suite at Chateau Marmont.
But the grandiose finale went down on Apr 3 when Lohan was barred from the swank celebrity-studded I Heart Ronson party, the fête celebrating the launch of Charlotte (sister to Sam) Ronson’s clothing line with JC Penney. According to insiders, Sam, who DJed the Chateau Marmont soirée that took over the hotel’s bar, hired five bodyguards to keep Lohan at bay; Lohan’s reported attempts to sneak in were unsuccessful. Lohan “went mental,” say sources, and when the party made its way to Mark Ronson’s room upstairs, Lohan crashed the festivities and was shunned.
In her US Weekly interview Lohan denies any party crashing. Despite holding invites from both Sam and JC Penney, Lohan says she opted out when Charlotte, via email, un-invited Lohan. According to sources in the Ronson camp, both Charlotte and brother Mark have been encouraging a split for some time. Lohan herself acknowledges the lack of acceptance from Ronson’s family and friends and accuses them of meddling. “I fell in love, I didn’t sign up for this crap,” she tells US. “Why do all these people have to be involved? It’s like I’m dating all of them. I love Samantha. I’m so alone without her.”
Lohan did stop by the afterparty but only because she was informed that Sam wanted to see her. “It was torture,” Lohan says to US. “The worst night of my life.” As soon as she entered the room, she was swarmed by Ronson’s family and friends and told to “get the fuck out.” Says Lohan, “It’s not fair. I’m a fucking 22-year-old girl who’s in love. I felt like I was in Mean Girls, but worse: Mean Girls was a fake movie.”
She then retired to her suite one floor up and allegedly took to Twitter where she fired off a series of Ronson-directed Tweets accusing the DJ of infidelity and drug use: “i was right all along. cheat… being cheated on does wonders to you… look, i’m doing this publicly because u&ur friends call people mag. so-you win, you broke my heart. now go away. i loved you… ask ur sister 2 stop yelling profanity plz; stop doing drugs… please go away & go to bed. u work hard, & u need some rest. those around u are clearly negative influences. miss you. be wellxx… PLEASE leave me ALONE. and stop staying in the room below me, you’ve woken me and my mother up. go to bed. keep cheating u win.”
Ronson’s alleged Tweet response? “oh- it’s like this? fine. Byebye.”
Lohan denies Tweeting: “Someone hacked into my Twitter page and had fake conversations,” she tells US. “Someone obviously doesn’t want us together. I can’t catch a break; they had to embarrass me.”
“I don’t talk about my personal life,” Ronson recently told People magazine, “but I will say that any rumours that I hate Lindsay are false. She’s an amazing girl and I wish her all the best. It’s not that dramatic.”
In other news Lady Gaga, whose 75-minute set closed Jeffrey Sanker’s 20th annual White Party in Palm Springs on Apr 13, revealed to the crowd that the song “Poker Face” is about her bisexuality. Said the Lady, she employs her “poker face” when she’s between the sheets with a man, but busy fantasizing about being with a woman.
Meanwhile Vin Diesel (of Fast and Furious fame) is busy denying rumours that he’s gay. Says Diesel, he’s simply private when it comes to his romantic involvements. “I’m not gonna put it out there on a magazine cover like some other actors,” he stated recently. “I come from the Harrison Ford, Marlon Brando, Robert De Niro, Al Pacino code of silence.”