Arts & Entertainment
3 min

Gossip roundup: Madonna, Jesus Luz, Lily Allen, Angelina Jolie and the Beckhams

Madge and Angelina could learn a lesson from Mommie Dearest

I'M NOT MAD AT YOU, I'M MAD AT THE DIRT. Why haven't Madonna and Angelina Jolie paid proper attention to Mommie Dearest?

Madonna is planning to have a Kabbalah commitment ceremony with Jesus. It’s so amazing! Madonna marries baby Jesus in a Jewish commitment ceremony. This means Jesus Luz has already converted from Catholicism to become a Kabbalist. I can’t help but wonder if Madonna is just trying to be clever and ironic. She’s always been so deliberate.

Madonna’s adoption bid in Malawi brought an interesting albeit obvious point to the forefront. Madonna pleaded to adopt a Malawian baby, citing that she could provide for it the best, most lavish life possible. The court was not swayed at first, but recently decided to allow Madonna to adopt the child. The point here is that Madonna, with her vast disproportionate wealth, could have raised the quality of lives of an entire village by simply being philanthropic.

One can’t help but wonder about these very public adoptions. They instantly make me think of Faye Dunaway as Joan Crawford confessing to adopting little Christina for publicity in the latter years of her career. There is a blue print here. It’s as if Madonna and Angelina Jolie never watched Mommie Dearest. If they were really serious about acting they’d be scrutinizing that Dunaway performance! Then again, maybe Madonna did watch Mommie Dearest, internalized the simulation, and now can’t stop adopting babies to further her aging career.

Lilly Allen made headlines recently for out-and-out slamming David Beckham and Posh Spice. She said, and I quote, “The Beckhams are sickening. Everyone knows Victoria is a monster. I’d rather shoot myself between the eyes than be a WAG [a footballer’s wife or girlfriend].” This is too good. I can’t say that I massively disagree with Allen. I guess I’m just ambivalent about the Beckhams. But whatever you want to say about them personally David Beckham Instinct available at Shoppers Drug Mart is a remarkably fresh and delightful scent. Seriously.

At Selfridge’s 100th birthday party Allen came face to face with Joan Collins. Lily twittered that when she went to kiss her “icon and personal role model,” Collins responded with “I don’t kiss people I don’t know.” Allen is so funny. I wonder what separates Collins from Victoria Beckham, why Collins is the icon and role model and Posh a monster WAG? Maybe it’s as subtle as sequins and a bow (Collins) versus ankle-murdering footwear (Posh).

I like that Allen said what she did about Posh. Yeah, it’s mean, but it’s cool that she spoke her mind. Allen’s song “Fuck You” has lent itself to a queer youth resistance viral video online called “The Big Fat Gay Collab.” You might have already seen it on Scott Dagostino’s Daily Roundup blog on Xtra.ca. The kids chopped out the bit about war and focused on gay discrimination. It already has more than 100,000 views. Allen is outspoken and, though trash-talking isn’t massively productive, it seems to lead her to produce empowering lyrics. This is definitely a rarity when all other pop music produces the usual vapid and meaningless lyrics attached to no movement or musical genre, produced with hooks from Sweden and hyperdigitized.

Still, pop music is catchy. High School Musical was after all an enormous success. Bizarrely, in a WTF moment, Megan Fox of Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen-starring-Lindsay Lohan fame, was quoted in Elle magazine talking about High School Musical being less about wholesome all-American kids dancing and singing and more about the basketball team being molested by their coach. “Let me tell you what it’s really about,” said Fox. “High School Musical is about this group of boys who are all being molested by the basketball coach, who is Zac Efron’s dad. It’s about them struggling to cope with this molestation. And they have these little girlfriends, who are their beards. Oh, and somehow there’s music involved.” What the what? Good one, Megan. Either way, she’s in movies so now we all know what she thinks. But seriously, why would she say that? High School Musical is clearly about Zac. It’s all about Zac; mostly his hair, but also his pretty pretty face.