Vancouver
4 min

Hair today

Make the mane shine

Ah, there you are my darling little pebbles of love. I didn’t notice you at first. I was too busy washing my magnificent mane of naturally blonde hair.

Now, let me just gently blot dry my crowning glory and we can get down to business. Sit up straight dears, no one likes a slumper.

Cleanliness is most essential when it comes to your hair. Not only is it next to godliness, it is a must when a gal starts to thinking about having a little get-down action, if you know what I mean.

You wouldn’t want to be snuggling up close to some manly man type and have your hair smelling like an old cigarette butt sitting in a beer can, now would you?

First and foremost, peaches, select the correct type of shampoo for your hair. If you’re oily, you’re oily darn it. Dry is dry. And coloured or treated hair? Well, face facts, babyface, not everyone can have natural blonde radiance without a little help.

As I have pointed out, time and time again, to the point of weariness almost, we can’t all be moi. We can, however, all be as beautiful as possible, it just takes a little effort.

Secondly, brush before washing. This does two things for you. It removes all evidence of your tawdry lifestyle, and it creates a whole new use for that spanky hairbrush.

Now that you have brushed and removed any excess hairspray, stray twigs or bits of semen from your ‘do, you are ready to wash.

You’re well armed with the appropriate type of shampoo for your dreadful dreadlocks. You may now proceed to your chambre de poudre-that’s the bathroom for those of you who are not as multi-lingual as I-and begin.

Just in case you have grown weary with reading shampoo bottles whilst straining to have a BM, let me spell it out for you. You saturate the hair with warm water, add small quantities of shampoo to work up a lather and repeat if necessary. Tres simple, non?

Hopefully, you have the correct conditioner for your particular hair, if you have been paying the slightest bit of attention to me. You must apply the conditioner and rinse it out with lukewarm to cool water. This ensures that you will seal in the shine.

A special note here, never brush wet hair. This can only lead to breakage, split ends, lack of interest in sex and god only knows what else.

You must gently comb out wet hair, beginning at the ends and working toward the scalp. Use a wide-toothed comb for this, not the greasy back pocket variety.

Now you are ready for styling. Contrary to common belief, you cannot just apply any old horse poop to your hair, waggle a blow dryer around and expect to come out looking good. You must apply the proper styling aid.

You may call me anal, and I’m certainly sure I’ve been called far worse, but without the proper styling product-well. You might as well stick your head up your own, oh, never mind.

Just try to remember, you want mousse for volume, gel for low volume and setting lotion for curling hair on rollers.

It’s so elementary that I’m quite sure a chimpanzee could master it. And before I forget, my darling Bonzos, you want to use a little cream to define natural or permed hair.

Once you have committed these pearls of wisdom to memory, you are all ready to begin blow drying and styling.

Blow-drying should be a bit like nookie. You want to keep that thing moving. If it sits in one place for too long, you risk serious damage to your crowning glory, not to mention, boredom. You can even do it upside down in order to create more volume or Kink as we like to say here at the Klinik.

Once you are all dried off and having a cigarette, it’s time for a little styling action. You can use hot rollers or a curling iron. These will create a softer, more feminine look and also give your man something to talk about at the gym. Or you can use a flat iron.

Occasionally the hair has been very naughty and needs a severe straightening out. Of course, this rule applies to many things, doesn’t it? Still, straightened hair can really be very sexy, in its place. I often use this look to enhance my natural urban chic.

And last but not least, we have the finishing touch, the spray de cheveux. The atomiseur a la fixatif. The hairspray, dearlings, the glue that holds your fabulous ‘do firmly and securely in place. Not unlike a nice comfy sling, really, for the little hairs. We don’t want them frolicking too freely.

Now, some of you more naturel types may insist upon a non-aerosol spray. Saving the ozone and blah, dreary blah. Whatever! It has been my experience that the only spray that will actually hold is, in fact, the good old aerosol spray.

There, I’ve said it. Smite me if you dare. Mistress Ros does not believe in non-aerosol fixatif. It is far too sticky. And that is just icky. Ooooh, I made a little rhyme, how dizzying.

Just so that you will know that I am not a complete enemy of the rain forest or anything, I must mention fluorocarbon-free spray. This is much better for everyone and does not rend huge holes in the dreary ozone. So you can hold that hair in place and simultaneously hug a tree if you so desire. Personally, I do this daily, it’s part of why I’m so Zen.

Anyway, mes petits choux, inquire at your local salon de beauty for a spray that is firm, yet not too gunky. No fluoro-carbons is best. Firm, supple, throbbing hold is what you’re after-sort of a pulsating, strong type of a hold.

Oh dear, I feel strangely agitated now, a bit warm all over, really. I must go instantly and replenish myself at my favourite fountain of youth, The Dufferin Hotel. I kiss you all good night in the most sincere fashion possible.

And remember: true beauty touches the spirit, enriches the soul and is certainly worth paying big bucks for.