Vancouver
3 min

Hair wars

Is it better to burn it off or to shock it off?

Dear ones! How stellar to see you! I, as you may or may not be aware, have been off fighting the dark forces of evil, otherwise known as unwanted hair. It’s been a ghastly, gripping battle and the fur has been flying. It’s taken all my wit, charm and knowledge of technology to keep the hairy demons at bay.

Luke Skywalker is really nothing but a pansy-faced pussy boy compared to me. I’ve been using The Force of laser hair removal against my own personal dark pubic invaders.

Now, before I leave you all adrift in a sea of hairy befuddlement and Star Wars metaphors, let’s take a moment to talk about hair, babee. Let’s talk about you and me.

Let me ask you this: are you turning yourself into a bloody Pulp Fiction mess every time you attempt a little hair removal? Are shaving and waxing working you into a lather? Is your five o’clock shadow more of a morning person? Are you using a trowel, small tractor or any other kind of garden implement to apply your makeup? My dears, you’ve got too much unsightly hair.

It is quite common to suffer from a condition known as hyperbrichosis, a word I invented from the Greek. It means excessive growth of godawful hair, or doing it doggy style; I’m never quite sure which.

You may stop packing now. Joining the circus is certainly not your only option, although it may be something you will want to consider.

Never fear, Mistress Rosamond will once again save the day and make the world a more attractive environment. Sigh, someone’s got to do it.

Down on your knees now. I find that’s the best way to pay attention.

Laser hair removal, or The Force as I like to call it, is my personal favourite. It’s so modern really, so devastating to the powers of evil hair. Lasers only remove the dark hairs; think about it. Of course, the first time I took my unprecedented daintiness in for such a procedure, I was quite disappointed to find that there was no light show. Once over that hurdle, however, I was delighted to discover such an effective method of rousting that arch-nemesis, unwanted hair.

All right then, you must seek out your neighborhood dermatologist and discuss treatments that are within your financial reach. If you can’t afford them, you will have to return to your old primitive methods of hair eradication. If you got no dough, that hair’s gonna grow, as we incredibly beautiful types like to say. Keep in mind that laser removal is far less costly than electrolysis, but you may require more than one treatment.

Electrolysis is a method that uses electrical shock to kill off the root of that offending follicle. Unlike laser removal, which will only work on the dark hair and seems quite picky when you think about it, electrolysis gets them all! The only drawback of this type of treatment is that it may leave your pores with memory loss and confusion. They may, in fact, become so confused that they think of themselves as ugly, old, pockmarked skin and start acting that way.

Always select the best possible technician. Cast all fiscal concerns to the wind. It’s the only way to really get to the root of the matter.

So there you are my perky little nut clusters. Whether you have them beamed with light or shocked out of existence, they are two perfectly viable methods of permanent hair removal.

Ta da! All you need now is a trickle of cash and the ability to get your glorious butt cheeks off the couch. You will be so beautiful in no time at all, it will make me weep with joy. Real tears, honestly, I swear. You know how I love you all.

Toodleroni for now my pets! I must leave the cozy, yet glamorous, confines of the Kink Klinik and be off to the Cirque de Soleil. They’ve been having some terrible problems with unwanted hair over there. It’s so unsightly when it bulges out of the leotards that way.

Mistress Rosamond took a break from the endless job of Hedy’s waxing to scribble these beauty notes for you.