Vancouver
3 min

Hair’s to you!

Greetings fashion philistines and beauty burnouts! Let the bells ring out and the banners fly! It’s too good to be true, but I’m here!

Now, it has come to my goddess-like attention that some of you don’t really understand the delicate relationship between a glamour girl and her hairdo.

Most of you, really, are not quite getting it right, if I were to be brutally honest. Not that I would ever be brutal to you, you lovely little pebbles, I love you far too much for that. Kiss, kiss.

All right then, here’s the thing. Your hairstyle simply must in some way relate to the rest of your body. It is singly the most important aspect of your overall beauty image.

Now, if you will recall, last time I had you all go and take a good, hard look in the mirror to determine your body shape and size. I am well aware that this may have made some of you close your beady little eyes and squeal with pain. However, standing in front of the mirror squeaking oooochy, ouch, ouch is generally seen as the first step towards improvement.

Beauty without pain is like, well, it’s like, well I don’t know really, it’s just so wrong. Do you think I have not suffered to reach this pinnacle of perfection that I am at today? Ha!

I think I have already outlined for you the basic body types. Let’s go over them again quickly for those of you with a touch of the old senile dementia.

Reubenesque: Speaking as a woman of great (well, magnificent really) stature myself, the first thing that I want you to know is that big is beautiful! It simply means there is a lot of you to love! What could be better?

There are, however, a few tiny things to keep in mind in order to attain maximum fabulousness.

Number one: Short, close-cropped hair will only really result in making you look like a large sort of dildo.

Sexy as that might be to some, it is not our beauty goal! So go for something a tad longer, darlings, a little fuller.

And don’t forget to show a lot of cleavage, that’s the jumbo gal’s first line of defence. I just can’t tell you the number of times men have fainted dead away at the mere sight of my awesome hooters!

Petite-esque: You too can manage to knock ’em dead Friday night at your favourite cantina or watering hole. It’s all simply a matter of proportion, darling.

Now I know that we all enjoyed Farrah Fawcett in her day, but REALLY! We must not imagine that emulating her will add to your total look. You must go for something a little shorter, a little less long and full. Or else you are in serious fashion danger!

You could become completely overwhelmed by your own hairdo! I’ve seen it happen. Less is more, little pipsqueak, just let the inner beautiful you shine out through your bangs.

Model-esque: Number one on your list of beauty do’s and don’ts is that you don’t want to resemble, in any way, a toilet bowl brush!

You, my dear, should be more like a magnificent flamingo! Or something.

Being tall and slim is a great, great gift and guarantees that you will always look chic!

It is best for you supermodel-types to keep a little length to your hair. That way possibly no one will notice your freakishly abnormal height. Ooops, I mean to say, your graceful breezy symmetry.

Full Figured Petite-esque: Tut, tut, I almost forgot about you! It’s almost as though I was sitting on you like a comfy old couch pillow and didn’t even notice!

Ah, but there you are, all plumped up, full of curves and looking lovely. My only advice to you, my dear little buttery shrimpette, is to keep a tad of fullness in that ‘do.

If not, you will have nothing to balance the, how can I put it delicately, stockiness of your body.

You can also gain a little height with an upswept ‘do if you’re feeling particularly puny.

Just remember, piling the hair too high only really works for Marge Simpson.

You have a lovely figure! Balance it out with fuller hair and the world is your oyster!

Now that’s all for this time, dear hearts. Try to get your beauty sleep and remember: you can’t all be as beautiful as Mistress Rosamond, but you can aspire!

Toodles!