Show of hands: how many of you went out today for Black Friday? Congratulations on buying shit for a fake holiday! Despite the fact that tons of businesses are just shovelling out a bunch of cheap stuff because of a self-fulfilling prophecy, Black Friday was never actually a major shopping day until the media began telling everyone it was. You know how everyone says Valentine’s Day is just a made-up holiday meant to sell cards? Black Friday is basically the same thing, only replace “cards” with “EVERYTHING."
But there’s still some good news! Apparently, the big toy for this Christmas is pepper spray! Yes, from Martha Stewart to asshole riot squads who can’t handle all the non-violence at Occupy protests, pepper spray is the new Tickle Me Elmo! You know, if by “tickle” Elmo meant “severe ocular trauma caused by chemical weaponry.” Just ask those lovely ladies who pepper sprayed 15 people, including children, over some half-price Xbox consoles. Yup, that sounds right. Half off a console that’s been on the market for six years? Totally worth pepper spraying a kid in the face. Merry Christmas, everyone!