Toronto Diary
1 min

Happy… ummm, Simcoe Day

First off, I’d like to wish everyone reading this a Happy Simcoe Day. What or who was Simcoe, you ask? Fuck if I know. While Wikipedia says that he was the first lieutenant governor of Upper Canada, whom are we kidding? Anyone I’ve asked has no idea who he is. In turn, when someone tells me they don’t know, I’ve been pretending to look it up on Wikipedia just so I can fuck with them by giving them the wrong definition. So far, here are the ones that I’ve made up:

  • A cellphone
  • A delightful carbonated beverage
  • A Japanese word for “stop sign"
  • An act of getting three little people to stand on each others’ heads under a trench coat to pretend they’re actually one tall guy
  • A breed of cat
  • A lion from that one Disney movie that was just Hamlet for furries
  • A toothpaste
  • A type of citrus fruit indigenous to Punta Cana
  • The correct term for when you’re playing a game from The Sims series and you successfully get two of your sexless, imaginary avatars to bone while you masturbate to it alone on a Friday night surrounded by your three cats (man, that one took a hard left turn into Sadnessville, didn’t it?)
  • Mark Wahlberg’s supernumerary third nipple
Be honest here: if any of these were the actual definition of Simcoe, would you care? No, because everyone gets either a day off or extra money for working today, so let’s not look a gift horse in the third nipple… I mean mouth.
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