Toronto
2 min

Heavenly prints

Pat Robertson's fashion tips

On the head of a pin-head. How many angels can fit on a gardening smock and matching sunhat? Just ask Pat. Credit: Xtra file

Forget the never-ending saga over Tinky Winky’s excommunication; here’s a religious story of much greater import. Now you can find out directly from God about fashion dos and taboos.



Billionaire religious wingnut Pat Robertson has been named to the board of directors of fashion and furniture retailer, Laura Ashley.



“God hates homosexuality,” Pat Robertson says repeatedly on his televangelist program The 700 Club. He knows, because God tells him.



God tells the former US presidential candidate many things. You may recall that last year Robertson warned Orlando Florida of impending hurricanes, quakes and meteor strikes because God was really peeved at Gay Pride celebrations at Disney World and at Disney’s recognition of same-sex spousal benefits. Luckily – or sadly, depending on your view of Floridian fleece – the tempest didn’t amount to a tea pot.



With weatherman too tough an assignment, fashion maven seems to be Pat Robertson’s next calling.



The UK-based company, Laura Ashley, has been going down the tubes for more than 10 years, with dwindling sales, an out-dated look and a revolving door of chief executives.



Robertson, with his huge multi-media empire and name recognition, should boost Laura Ashley’s sales in the US – especially in the southern Bible-belt. Just think how those annoying floral prints will match perfectly with those horribly flouncey dresses, de rigueur at church meetings, cotillions and lynchings. The company may also integrate expanding its Asian operations with Robertson’s ever-growing missionary network. Don’t even talk about 100 percent natural fibres….



Robertson could be the ultimate lifestyle guru, making Martha Stewart and Tyler Brule look like colour-blind accountants.



Even if Laura Ashley doesn’t fare any better, we can rest assured that Roberston (who also owns two million shares of Laura Ashley’s American Depository Receipts) will somehow make money off of the deal.



As founder the Christian Broadcasting Network, Robertson turned the viewer-supported not-for-profit broadcaster into the Family Channel, a privately owned, then publicly traded company. Robertson and his son made bags upon bags of money from the channel’s sale – up to $90-million.



So, stay tuned. Robertson will soon be begging lonely old ladies to give up their money if they believe in the Christian way of life and Victorian wainscoting.



A UK-based human rights group, the Gay And Lesbian Humanist Association (GALHA) is calling for a boycott of Laura Ashley shops.



George Broadhead, a devastated GALHA spokesperson, is quoted as saying: “My own living room is decorated with Laura Ashley wallpaper, and I suspect that many lesbian and gay people are fans of the company’s products.”



Eew. You can just see his egg-white and Prince-Charles-grey wallpaper, on an iris theme, with matching – but reversed! – table linen.



It’s that kind of abomination – with Robertson cum God’s help – that we’ll all be able to make work in divine dining rooms of the future.



I’ve already sent off my designer questions to Ask Pat, the section of The 700 Club Web-site where you can ask Robertson questions to be read during the taping of his show.



“Dear Pat: My paisley-print leather jock-strap doesn’t cut the mustard at the local SM club. What other manly motifs can you suggest?”



“Dear Pat: How do I secure my Edwardian iron-wrought patio furniture to the lanai so that it doesn’t get washed, blown or melted away during any last judgment?”



“Dear Pat: Can necklines ever be too high in heaven?”



You too, can Ask Pat, at http://www.cbn.org/pat/askpat.asp. It’s fun and wholesome. Do it often.