Daily Briefs
1 min

Hell is other gays

Happy homos of hell

I think it’s just awful that Pope Francis is trying to deny us our god-given right to a spot in the deepest circle of hell. I hear it’s a beautiful neighbourhood.

The Catholic Church, known for its eons of mixed messages (love, peace and acceptance for all, don’t be gay, empower the youth . . . or not) has further mystified the world, with the pope making a claim to La Civiltà Cattolica, an Italian Catholic periodical, about gay people:

“A person once asked me, in a provocative manner, if I approved of homosexuality. I replied with another question: ‘Tell me: when God looks at a gay person, does he endorse the existence of this person with love, or reject and condemn this person?’ We must always consider the person.”

A report came out simultaneously claiming that hell is home to the largest, thriving gay community known to heaven, Earth or . . . well, below.  

In this report, one resident of the Underworld explained, “It’s really refreshing, frankly, to live in a place where nobody gives me any weird looks when I walk hand-in-hand with my girlfriend. And all of the other eternally damned homosexuals down here feel the same. I thank Satan every day for welcoming me here.”

Although it may seem like the pope is trying to seduce us all into the loving, open arms of the Catholic Church, Pope Francis has made previous statements that an Argentine same-sex marriage bill was a “machination of the Father of Lies that seeks to confuse and deceive the children of God.”

One of his more recent statements says, “If someone is gay and he searches for the Lord and has good will, who am I to judge?” Which, of course, excludes any gays who aren’t searching for Jesus, and I have very little good will even on the best of days. In the end, I suppose the Catholic Church is just as dogmatic, archaic and discriminatory as ever and is simply attempting to dupe anyone willing to cling to their hypocritical, delusional beliefs.

I guess as the saying goes: see you in Hell! Apparently it’s lovely this time of year.