Part of me feels that posting this story from the La Crosse Tribune is just going to give the Ontario Catholic school boards ideas, but I don’t care because the crazy in this story is so rich and creamy, I want to stir it into my coffee.
All right, so get this: there’s this band down in the States called Junkyard Prophet, and their schtick is that they’re this extremist religious group that preaches to kids using rock-rap. Yes, rock-rap. They’re like Limp Bizkit, only instead of making shitty, incoherent raps about having sex, they make shitty, incoherent raps about how if you have sex, an invisible bearded giant in the sky will set you on fire forever. Kids love listening to terrible music that makes them feel like crap!
Anyway, some fuckwit high school principal out in the middle of nowhere — Dunkerton, Iowa (side note: at the risk of generalizing the people of Dunkerton, Iowa . . . Seriously. This story takes place in a town called Dunkerton, Iowa. ‘Nuff said.) — decided to organize a school assembly so that the kids could be lectured by grown men who think combining the very worst aspects of rock, rap and religion is a good idea.
Just putting this out there, but if a group of men comes to your school and says, “We’re a religious rap-rock group, and we want to talk to your students!” chances are the next sentence out of their mouths will invariably be “But first, we’re legally obligated to tell you that we are sex offenders.” Do not let them anywhere near your kids.
Anyway, the good people of Junkyard Prophet separated the kids into boys and girls, and then got rid of all the teachers. Once again: if you leave the kids you’re responsible for in the care of a group like Junkyard Prophet, your government is allowed to castrate you with a brick. Where was I? Oh yes, a bunch of religious nutjobs were given a private audience with a large group of children, which is a setup that has never gone horribly wrong, and proceeded to tell them all that they were sluts, that girls should be submissive to their husbands, and that anyone who was gay would die by the age of 42.
Yes, they even ruined The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Those evil fucks.
And for the record, if you were wondering what their actual music sounds like . . . I won’t actually post it here, mostly because I’m pretty sure doing so would constitute a hate crime. These lyrics should tell you everything you need to know:
"People be freakin’ when we speakin’ cuz we burnin it up,
The life you livin’, when you sinnin’ cuz we tearin it up,
With the word that hot,
From the School of Hard Knocks gonna break the rocks,
We ain’t stoppin’, the convictions poppin’
Junkyard in the house and the Holy Ghost droppin’."
Amazing. They’ve found a way to use music that stopped being relevant 10 years ago, with words that stopped being relevant 20 years ago, to express values, thoughts and opinions that stopped being relevant 2,000 years ago. Fucking amazing.
Oh, and did I mention they look like this? Once again, it kinda tells you everything you need to know.