Toronto Diary
5 min

How to be a good Christian

So today the Toronto Catholic District School Board pretty much told every gay kid under their jurisdiction that being able to be open about your sexuality and discussing it in a safe environment isn’t as important as making sure that a handful of old Christians don’t have to feel slight discomfort because people aren’t exactly like them. Basically, it was their way of saying, “Sure, you have mountains of empirical scientific and psychological evidence that supports the fact that being gay is natural, but this really old book says that if we don’t put penises in our tushies, an invisible bearded giant will make us live forever!"

You could argue that people pick and choose which parts of the Bible they want to follow and which they can just ignore, which renders its use as a moral compass arbitrary, and that a system that tells you where you can and cannot put your penis is more reminiscent of a really boring niche fetish than a religion, buuuuuut… INVISIBLE BEARDED MAN IN THE SKY! See? Wins every argument. 

Don’t get it twisted now: I’m an Irish Catholic, went to a Montreal Jesuit high school and took five years of Bible study, so at this point I have literally forgotten more about the good book than most of these a-holes would ever remember. Thankfully, I remembered all the really juicy parts that make the writers sound like complete nutbags, so to put things into context, here’s a bunch of crazy shit the Bible says is a-okay.

Rape: In Deuteronomy 20 (verses 10-14), God tells his people to offer the towns they attack a chance for peace (which means, if the towns agree, that the townspeople become their slaves). If they refuse, and God’s people win the battle, then they can rape the women and take them for their wives.

Slavery: This one was actually kind of a big theme back then. In Exodus 21 (verses 2-6), it’s stated that you are allowed to buy Hebrew slaves but that you must let them go after seven years. But, as an addendum here, if your slave marries and has kids during that tenure, then his family must stay with you.

Murder: Another one that kind of got bandied around. Deuteronomy 13 (verses 13-19) outright states that if someone practises another religion, you must burn the entire city down and kill all of its inhabitants.

Infanticide: Deuteronomy 21 (verses 18-21) states that if you have a stubborn child, you can stone him to death. And there was that part in 2 Kings 2 (verses 23-24) where God makes a bear kill a bunch of obnoxious kids for annoying a prophet. 

But, you know, gayness? Yeah, that’s no good.

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