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How to get rid of hickies

Dear loyal Up Your Alley reader: I'm having a great time in Toronto. 

Wish you were here (maybe you already are). To date, my Vancouver-Ottawa-Toronto book tour has been a tour de forced entry.

Did you expect any less?

Captive audiences, microphones, penis jokes about the microphones, lit-crazy groupies…

and then I woke up this morning to this in my account:

Whoa. I mean, WHOA! Let's start with the obvious: that's a big hickey. Here's the content from the email:
I have an epic hickey because I was too into my bf at the time to notice. The gay is strong with you, Sean. How can I get rid of this?
Dear reader, the gay is strong with me and I have both gay, Ben Gay and non-gay solutions for your problem. Try one or all of the following:
1) Apply Ben Gay (obviously).
2) In the future, do not let men or women give you hickeys. Your neck looks old enough to know better. You should know better too.
3) When you walk into the bathroom and realize a toilet plunger just made mad love to your neck, immediately apply ice.
4) Wear a turtleneck, sweater, make-up or all of the above. Hell, wear a beret too, just because you can.
5) Gently rub and massage the area – other parts of your body enjoy surface stimulation, so does your new hickey.
(and lastly, from 
6) Use any tubular object with a domed end (significant pause), apply steady pressure over the hickey and twist. It will hurt, but it will hurt good.
Sounds like a second date to me – make sure you follow cure #2 this time.