Toronto Diary
2 min

How to lose 10 pounds before Pride!!!

By now, you’ve probably read or heard about The Grid’s particularly boneheaded cover story, “Beyond Gay,” about po-mo homos. As you can tell from that brief blurb, it isn’t so much an article as it is Paul Aguirre-Livingston eating alphabet soup and having explosive diarrhea onto a blank page. Anyway, the entire thing reads like the mind of Larry Craig every time he taps his foot in a men’s bathroom, so I’ll spare you the gory details. There is one bit that caught my attention:

The Village has all but become a dirty word in circles of the nouveau gay. We just let it die. And when the gays do converge at Church and Wells now for Pride, it’s only to show how hard they worked on their bodies at the gym, not about any sort of political statement. How many “Lose 10 pounds by Pride” features do we need to read?

FUCK. YES. As I’ve said before, my body absorbs unwarranted self-importance and unrecognized stupidity like a plant absorbs water and sunlight. So, I’m going to indulge him a little. Consider it my way of placing a flower on the grave he dug for himself.

*Ahem* 

Oh my God, you guys!!! Pride is coming up! Unfortunately, it’s being held in that stinky old cesspit Village. You know that place where those old gays who paved the way for us all hang out? Yeah, those creeps. Anyway, it’s time to get ripped because apparently if you don’t have six-pack abs you’re a freak. So let’s lose some weight! WOO!

First off, your diet: solid food is for fat people. Gross! Drink protein shakes and your own cum!

A colonic is a great way to lose weight! I should know; I get mine every day. It’s what allows me to stay up my own ass for so long that I have to list it as a second home on my income taxes! So, douche it up, baby, and, one day, you might even be as big a douche as MEEEEEEEEE!

And of course, an easy way to lose 10 pounds: cut off your fucking head! Post-modern gays like moi don’t actually need a brain to function, and all your head is doing is adding unnecessary weight and distracting you from what’s really important, which is whether or not your body can distract you from your own sense of delusional superiority! I mean, sure, the gays that came before you were the ones who fought so that we could have the same rights as everyone else and walk down the street without feeling ashamed or worried, but now we don’t have to think about them because we live in a new age! Suck it, old people!

Oh, Jesus… If that hurt to read, just think about how much it hurt me to write. I swear to God, I think my IQ just dropped a couple notches. Suck it, Paul.

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