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2 min

How to stretch your penis…in seven simple steps

So. I've devoted this week to finishing my second book. It's going to be a tribute to fashion. I'm co-writing with Toronto friend/playwright/author David Brock. Alas. He is straight. I know. Shocking. But still, he knows his way around a blank sheet of paper. If you know what I mean.

As you can probably tell by this non-sensical drivel, it's been a hard day at the home office for yours truly. Ever wondered what it takes to write a book? Stop wondering. It will drive you mad. Mad. MAD!

In any case, another good friend o' mine, however, has been sending me links non-stop. Although I hear he'll be starting his own blog soon, foolish is the man who refuses free gifts of internet weirdness when they are directly mailed to my inbox.

Check it out:

As you see, this comes from

As promised, here goes:

Step 1: Clean your patio. Everyone knows that homosexuals have clean patios. This isn't a stereotype. It's just how it is, okay?

Step 2: Tie an old craptop to your penis. Do not tie a new laptop. If your penis was to fall off and the new laptop was to break, the only person who could understand most of your troublems would be a living, breathing, life-sized Ken Doll…and what would he know, anyway?

Step 3: Set up your Canon megapixel something-or-other and make sure to tilt it on the up angle. You are like a god. Do not let your camera ruin your big moment.

Step 4: Dig out that sign you used to wear to creative writing class in university. They didn't understand how serious you were then, but they certainly will now.

Step 5: Light your torches. (Obviosuly)

Step 6: Set the timer on your camera and make sure you set the camera to take many pictures instead of just one. You didn't tie a craptop to your dick for nothing.

Step 7: Stand up on your favourite patio chairs and stand tall and proud! Yeah you are! Shit, girl! You are the ruler of the free world! The many millimeters your penis will gain from this is definitely worth it. Gold star.