Wrapping paper is for assholes, we all know that. It’s not enough to just wrap presents in flimsy paper anymore. And don’t even get me started on gift bags. If you really want to wrap presents without giving a fuck (did you not see Al Gore’s documentary? We need to conserve our fucks or else Global Warming. It’s science) just follow these simple steps:
- Wrap the present normally in gift wrap. I know I just said not to, but we’re going to go harder in just a second.
- Put the present in a mixing bowl.
- Wrap the mixing bowl in a layer of hockey tape. Duct tape will also do. Any kind of tape that is completely impenetrable will suffice.
- Wrap the tape-wrapped-bowl-wrapped-Christmas-wrap-wrapped-present in 20 layers of cellophane.
- Hot glue gun a bunch of glasses to the Yuletide fortress. Place random objects in the glasses, thereby creating mini-presents on the one large present.
- Once again, using the hot glue gun, stick a layer of Froot Loops and macaroni over everything. You can also spell the recipient’s name on the side in Froot Loops because fuck that guy.
- More tape. By the end of this, you should have used more duct tape than a season of RuPaul’s Drag Race.
- RIBBON. ALL THE RIBBON.
- STICK IT UNDER THE TREE AND MAKE THEM RUE THE DAY THEY GOT YOU AS A SECRET SANTA. BEHOLD!!!
True story: that’s actually a hat. Merry Christmas. Play us out, Derpy Hooves!