Toronto Diary
2 min

I, for one, welcome our new duck overlords

Over the years, there have been many batshit crazy excuses for banning same-sex marriage. These have included the ideas that marriage is a sacred institution, that kids will somehow be worse off with loving parents, and that if two people of the same sex can wed, an invisible bearded giant who lives in the sky will end the world. And honestly, you can only play the same three notes before we start to feel like we’re hearing the same song over and over again.

So I really have to congratulate a certain Miss Jasmine H, a homeschooled New Zealand girl who wrote her local newspaper to let them know that if gay marriage is legalized, ducks will take over the world! Democracy will fall! Society will crumble! Bread bits and cracker crumbs will become the new currency! CHAOS! ABSOLUTE FUCKING CHAOS!

Jasmin applies her homespun knowledge of evolution — which she later admits is something she doesn’t “believe” in — to the eventuality of marriage equality, asserting that such a development “could threaten the human position on the evolutionary ladder, and say, ducks could take over the world.”   

That’s right: Ducks.   

How’s that? “Ducks always nest in pairs and if we allow same-sex marriage, then the ducks will have evolved further than we have.” Ipso facto an Orwellian dystopia will emerge, “with ducks more equal than us.”   

"I don’t want my children to have to compete with ducks,” Jasmin implores. “I want them to evolve further than I have.”   

Being that she doesn’t believe in evolution, the onus to make things right therefore falls upon those of us who do. “[Evolutionists] should be consistent,” she insists. “If you believe in evolution, you can’t be in favour of homosexuality, or the ducks will get you in the end.” (Source)

Now some would say that mocking a teenaged girl for being stupid is mean, even if she is being homophobic. Counter-point: is it mean for a teacher to give a student an F on her math quiz when, instead of solving for X, she burns the quiz and calls her teacher a warlock? No. But unfortunately, this poor dumb-dumb has no actual teacher to inform her that what she believes is wrong and stupid, and so the world must step in to correct her. What I’m trying to say: don’t home-school your kids.

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