Toronto Diary
1 min

I now pronounce you Bert and Ernie

Facebook has already launched and successfully followed through on a petition to have a woman name her newborn baby "Optimus Prime." (If that's not the beginning of a "This is how I became a serial killer" story, I don't know what is.) So I'm surprised that it took this long for another Facebook petition to have Bert and Ernie get married to make headlines.

Look, I get it: everyone loves Bert and Ernie. EVERYONE. And they're so heavily coded that Marcus Bachmann thinks they should tone it down. Hitching them together would be the next logical step. Besides, wedding episodes are ratings gold. And Muppet weddings? Cutest thing ever.

That being said, marriage (straight or gay) has never really been a big part of Sesame Street. It has characters that are parents, but it's not as though Big Bird ever brought home a lady bird and made an honest pigeon out of her. Know why? Because kids don't care about marriage. When you're five, you want to get married to your best friend because he lets you use his blue Play-Doh. When I first found out that my uncles Paul and Sylvain were more than roommates, my reaction was, "Okay. Can we get Dairy Queen on the way home?"

Kids don't care about who you love; they just care that you love someone. Anyone. Would it be cool if Bert and Ernie got married? Of course. But kids don't care if Bert and Ernie are husbands, boyfriends, roommates or just occasional fuckbuddies. All they care about is that they love each other.

(If they do get married, having them walk down the aisle to Adele's "Make You Feel My Love" would be A. MAZE. ING.) 

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