Vancouver
2 min

I wish God were alive to see this

The California legislature passed a full same-sex marriage bill on Sep 6, but on Sep 7 California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said he would terminate the gay marriage debate in California by vetoing the bill.

Why would the Last Action Hero oppose gay marriage? He seemed so sensitive in Kindergarten Cop; so maternal in Twins. Well it’s not what you think. It’s not like Mr Planet Hollywood has anything against gay people. He never would have had a film career if it weren’t for all the queer Tinseltown types and beefcake lovers who made him look so good on screen and worshipped his freaky, rippling physique. It’s crazy to assume Mr Universe, of all people, would be a homophobe. His veto is the will of the people.

One of the True Lies that Schwarze- negger used to rationalize his position is a vote in 2000, before The Rise of the Machines, on something called proposition 22 in which 61 percent of Californian voters supported a definition of marriage as being only between and man and woman.

I guess Schwarzenegger lacked Total Recall when he bade ‘hasta la vista, baby’ to the reality that California’s elected representatives passed the gay marriage law he’s planning to veto and a California court ruled in March that proposition 22 violated the state and federal constitutions’ guarantee of equal protection.

Knowing a Predator offering a Raw Deal when he sees one-and not worrying about any Collateral Damage because Ottawa is a safe distance from Sacramento-Egale Canada executive director Gilles Marchildon issued a press release accusing Mr Freeze of taking a girlie-man approach to gay marriage.

“Who is the girlie-man now?” taunted Marchildon. “Schwarzenegger lacks the guts to admit that he doesn’t champion the equality of Californians despite the endorsement of the people’s elected representatives.”

A challenge if ever I’ve heard one.

Schwarzenegger hasn’t responded and the two men have not spoken directly; perhaps the governornator was too busy Pumping Iron. I, for one, hope they connect eventually so they can arrange a bare-knuckle gattling gun and jump-jet duel. It would be great to watch and I think it’s the only manly course for them to resolve their differences.

While Conan the Barbarian and Marchildon were comparing dicks, the victims of Hurricane Katrina-the vast majority of whom I’m told just happen, by random dumb chance, to be African-American-were sloshing around in the ruins of the Louisiana Superdome.

The American president, former owner of the Texas Rangers, flew over the fetid gulf coast in his own personal pimped-out 747. For one brief shining moment, I hoped his rolled-up sleeves were an indication that he was about grab a bucket and start bailing, but instead he only paused on the ground a few days later to awkwardly hug an African-American or two for the benefit of the paparazzi.

The president’s dad appeared on television to tell the American people how much it hurt his son’s feelings that people were wondering aloud if he really cared about black people. “I’m his dad, and I know he cares,” said Pa Bush.

When the president’s mom visited the Astrodome in Houston she told an American radio program: “So many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway, so this is working very well for them.” When God closes a door, he opens a window. There’s just never a good natural disaster around when you need one.

Instead of praying or choppering dry bibles to the Gulf Coast, members of a fundamentalist Christian group chose instead to suggest the storm was a message from God. Katrina, they said, was sent to cleanse New Orleans of sin on the eve of Southern Decadence, New Orleans’ big gay party.

Instead of outrage at the idea that God hates fags enough to kill a bunch of African-Americans, queer social groups across the US rallied like angels of mercy to support and relieve the victims of the US government-I mean Hurricane Katrina.