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It’s official: almost all Catholics are going to hell

For the past eight months, Catholic school boards in Ontario have been trying to find a new name for gay-straight alliance clubs, which all schools across the province must allow, according to the provincial government. The September deadline for a new name passed with Catholic trustees, students, clergy and parents coming up short. First term came and went with still no decision, and now finally, the committee is suggesting that gay-straight alliances be re-Christianed (har har) “Respecting Differences” clubs.

Okay, let me see if I’ve got this right: Ontario Catholic schools don’t want to call the gay-straight alliance the gay-straight alliance because it will offend the Vatican — so they’re going to call it “Respecting Differences” because . . . the Vatican respects . . . differences? The hypocrisy is so disgusting I’m just going to laugh. Because if I don’t I’ll probably end up crying, slitting my wrists and/or eating an entire box of cookies to numb the pain because oh my gah, I hate planet Earth sometimes.

Oh yeah, and the Respecting Differences club is going to accomplish absolutely nothing because, according to the 15-page list of rules the committee sent out to schools, the clubs are not to be a forum for “activism, protest or advocacy of anything that is not in accord with the Catholic faith.” So basically, your differences are respected, so long as they’re not fucking different!

Seriously, you guys, you have not eaten an Oreo until it’s soaked with blood and tears.

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