Toronto Diary
1 min

Jesus is a biscuit, let him sop you up

Yes, today is Good Friday, or as Jesus Christ himself probably calls it, “Oh haha, it’s funny because it’s ironic, and oh yeah, I WAS NAILED TO A TREE, YOU DICKS.” But in all seriousness, today is the day us Christians celebrate Jesus sacrificing himself and dying for humanity’s sins. Specifically, the ones they committed in his name.

To honour his day, our daily bread — is that how that prayer went? — let’s take a look at some of Jesus’ biggest gay hits. Here’s everything Jesus ever said about homosexuality and intersexes being a sin:

”                                       .”

Oh look, a fat lot of fucking nothing. That’s so weird — it’s almost as if “Christians” are taking specific parts of the Bible out of context and using them to validate their own thoughts and opinions, despite the fact that there’s a passage equally as valid that can be used to contradict them. Like Matthew 8, wherein Jesus heals a centurion’s gay lover and calls him one of the most faithful men he’s ever met. See how easy that is? Took me all of 30 seconds on Google to pull up that gem.

If you take away nothing else from this, just try and remember that all Jesus ever wanted was for people to love one another. So just try not to be a dick, and you’ll be fine. In the words of Latrice Royal, Jesus is a biscuit, let him sop you up.

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