Arts & Entertainment
1 min

Katy Perry’s survival guide

Singer releases video for new single, 'Roar'

Katy Perry’s latest Katy Perry

There are a lot of life lessons to take away from Katy Perry’s new single, "Roar." It seemed like a good idea to catalogue the pearls of wisdom found within:

Go on a safari with your douchebag boyfriend. Sure, maybe he won’t do the dishes at home and maybe he always makes you carry the groceries back to the car, but that can’t possibly mean he’ll be a dick in the jungle, too (it’s actually exactly what that means).

Take a selfie. After your plane has crashed in a remote location, how else will people know you can effortlessly pull off “stranded in a wasteland” chic? Exactly — they wouldn’t. It’s not as if a man-eating tiger is waiting just around the corner to devour you.

Don’t grieve for your mauled boyfriend; that is a luxury you, newly minted amazon queen, can no longer afford. Your priorities have now shifted to more important tasks. Your survival hinges upon constructing a banana-grass skirt, beautifying the fauna (manicures for elephants! oral hygiene for alligators! it’s almost as if these animals don’t have a morning beauty regimen) and figuring out how to best exploit local flora for your makeup needs. A stiletto heel makes a great spear in a pinch. This really did seem like a useful tip.

Finally, the natural enemy of the tiger is breasts. It’s a widely known fact that Animal Planet refuses to document, for fear of endangering the animal further. Credit where credit is due — Katy Perry knows who she is: a pop star. It’s a catchy song with a cute video, and that’s all we can ask of a diva famous for wearing a whipped-cream-spewing brassiere.

Plus, it’s still a better song than "Applause."