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2 min

Kelly vs Christina again

You remember 2003, right? Justin Timberlake was making music. Lindsay Lohan was in teen movies. Madonna was English. And no one knew Britney was crazy yet.

Do you also remember the Kelly Osbourne and Christina Aguilera feud? Me neither. But Kelly sure does, and she’s reignited the flame eight years later because that is the level of maturity we love and expect from the Osbournes. I guess back in the day, when Xtina was a coke whore skinny, she called Kelly fat. I think I there was an episode of The Osbournes where Kelly called Christina a “cunt". Which led to an award show where Christina was throwing darts at Kelly’s chubby face, and, like a strung-out skank from one of the alleys where the video for “Dirrty” was filmed, (and baby Max conceived), she said something along the lines of, “Oh Kelly, if you dish it, you gotta learn how to take it!” Words that Christina says to her belly as she gorges herself in her Beverly Hills house (which, in a weird twist of fate, used to be owned by the Osbournes).

Fast forward to the present day. Justin Timberlake is trying to be a movie star. Lindsay Lohan looks 700 years old. Madonna is a New Yorker again. And Britney’s a new kind of sane that appears to be prescription-induced. Oh yeah, and now Kelly is skinny and Christina is chubby, but everyone calls her fat because that’s what we do to feel better about ourselves. And what we’re really hoping is that she’ll go anorexic so we can gawk over her on the cover of all the tabloids and place bets on how long she has to live.

But I digress! Kelly O, who lost her weight but not her immaturity, has resparked her feud with the former mouseketeer. While on Fashion Police with Joan Rivers a couple weeks ago, commenting on one of Christina’s red-carpet looks, Kelly said, “Maybe she’s just becoming the fat bitch she was always meant to be. I don’t know. She was a cunt to me; she called me fat for so many fucking years. So you know what? ‘Fuck you. You’re fat, too.’” Then, in a more recent episode, when discussing Christina’s look at that concert-to-make-even-more-money-off-Michael Jackson-while-pretending-to-honour-him, someone on the Fashion Police panel said, “You know, [Christina’s] probably still a 2/4.” At which Kelly laughed and said, “I am a 2/4! That is not a 2/4.” Both those bitches need to shut up. They are both a 2/4. With two to four chins between them.