Vancouver
4 min

Kiss and make up

A 12-step program for applying the makeup just so

Well! Here we are together again at last. Did you miss me? Were you crying? I know I was positively in floods of tears at the thought of time without you.

Because I worry so, my dears, that you are fumbling around blindly without me. Yes I do! For what is the world without beauty? And what can beauty be, without Mistress Rosamond to guide your trembling hand with the eyeliner pencil?

The last time we were blissfully alone together like this, we covered facials. I know I can rest peacefully in my boudoir de sexiness, having given you the best possible guidance to skin care.

Your face is now gleaming with healthitude and looking more like a fresh young peach than ever. You have created the perfect palette for the most magnificent form of artistry of all, makeup!

In my infinite wisdom and strict devotion to all things beautiful, I have developed this foolproof method. A few easy steps, my dear ones, is all it takes to turn a froglodyte into a princess, or a queen, as some might like to say. Let us begin, shall we?

First of all, your face is cleansed and toned and polished to baby buttock perfection, non? Excellente.

You may at this time remove a few wandering eyebrow hairs, if you must. This is not however, the time to start redefining the entire arch. That would only result in ghastly redness. So gauche, really. Save all hair removal renovations for your weekly spa day.

Step two: Apply a day cream with an SPF of at least 30,000! Higher if necessary for you fair-skinned, naturally blonde, lusciously gorgeous Scottish lassies like myself. I raise my kilt to you all, I honestly do! Oops, I hope you didn’t see anything under there.

Step three: Lightly apply foundation to the entire facial epidermis area.

If you have any trowels or other plastering implements in your makeup case, I suggest you remove them instantly. There are times when a heavy hand is well worth having; this, however, is not one of them.

Step four: Taking a powder is another essential of beauty perfection.

Powder sets the foundation in place and stops it from sliding down into your underpants. It is très important to use a colour that matches up with your actual skin. Do not be talked into buying some fantasy shade by those harlots at the Mac counter. Your face is probably not really orange at all.

Step five: Look at yourself under realistic lighting.

Personally, I like to step out onto my southern verandah, wave to the peasants gathered below, and carefully check The Face. Sunlight may not be the kindest, darlings, but it is the most honest light.

Take advantage of this opportunity to blend, blend, BLEND! Your makeup should look smooth and natural, not as though you have been icing a cake.

Step six: It is also advisable not to put eye shadow on with a trowel.

Lightly apply to your outer lid and spread gently upward. Shade the area below the brow with a light colour and use a darker colour for the crease.

I also suggest that you avoid sparkles for daytime wear. They make a girl look so cheap, really, so tawdry, slutty almost, easy even. Save your sparkly shadow strictly for nighttime use, when these looks can be quite appropriate.

Step seven: Eyeliner, poochies, is used to make the eyes look larger and the lashes more luscious.

Pull a taut eyelid and gently draw a thin line along the entire eyelid, as close to the eyelashes as possible. And please, no glamour length falsies, at least not before dark.

Step eight: Let us not forget the eyebrow. Be it high brow, low brow or uni-brow, the eyebrow deserves attention too. (Of course, we would never have anything so vulgar as a unibrow, now would we?)

The thing to do here is simply brush all those naughty little hairs into place with a lovely light feathery stroke or two. Then you may accentuate the eyebrows by applying colour with a fine pencil or brush.

There, you see how easy it is with Mistress Rosamond to guide you?

Step nine: Mascara is a very important beauty essential. Brush it on gently, with soft, feathery, tantalizing strokes. Mmmm, that’s the way. Oh yeah! Do it! Do it to me, and don’t forget those sassy bottom lashes.

Oh my dear! Just thinking about those lashes get me a little stirred up. I think it’s best we move on to something a little more calming.

Step 10: Blush must also be applied with a dainty wrist motion. We don’t want to look like a big old hosebag, now do we?

Delicately brush on and blend upwards and outwards towards your temples. Don’t use your powder brush for this, it will get all stained and ghastly. Besides, owning more than one makeup brush is considered quite très elegant.

Step 11: Lip colour is everything. Make a nice happy smiley face and outline those luscious lips. The smiling helps you to smooth lip colour into any small (or gaping) crevices you may have.

After the lip colour is applied, blot those hot lips with a tissue. Press the lips firmly together to blend the color. This is also a good little exercise for those of us who may have a hard time keeping the mouth shut occasionally.

Step 12: Go out and LIVE! I’ll talk to you next time. We’ve got a lot more work to do, but for now you must have a tiny break and enjoy your beauty.

I bid you adieu, I’m off to gay Paree for a conference on troublesome toenails. And perhaps a little of the French necking, if you know what I mean. Ta ta!

Mistress Rosamond devotes all her spare time at the Kink Klinik to writing these pearls for you and trying to get Hedy’s eyeliner on straight.