“I’m missing Oprah and Valerie Bertinelli’s drug habit because of you, you dirty faggot from an inferior country. I’m missing her and it’s not even for US press? Oh, well. Maybe you’ll help me get laid by somebody who reads how gay fucking faggoty friendly I am.”
Well, hello to you too, Ms Lampanelli.
Be very afraid. The “queen of mean” Lisa Lampanelli is coming to town. Racist, sexist, homophobic, ablist… there isn’t a politically correct line she won’t obliterate.
Here’s how the Grammy-nominated comic closed a jaw-dropping appearance on Comedy Central’s Celebrity Roast for D-list reality TV star Flavor Flav (it’s on YouTube): “You inspire me Flav. If an odd-looking shrivelled up California raisin like you can get 15 nappy-headed bitches to toss your salad, I got to be able to scare up at least one chocolate daddy to lick my asshole too.”
Her incredibly diverse audiences lap it up, screaming in horror and delight at the rapid-fire raunch. Fearless; she’s got balls of brass.
“Why is there all this self-censorship anyway?” she asks over the phone from LA. “Nobody likes it, nobody’s having fun being so politically correct.
“Don’t you love it when somebody says ‘dirty faggot’ if you know there’s no bad intention? It’s the intention that really counts.”
Lampanelli’s performance exudes something special that undercuts the nasty. It’s not just that she targets herself as much as anyone else (“I’ve fucked more black men than FEMA”) nor her innocent-looking ’50s housewife dresses. Notwithstanding her hate-on for minivan-driving soccer moms, Lampanelli is able to convey a certain affection for the people and groups she’s mocking.
Can there really be a heart underneath all that brass?
“You can’t mock ’em if you don’t like ’em,” she says. “I will never roast somebody I hated or it’s going to come through that I don’t like that person. I could never make fun of the Europeans ’cause I fucking hate them…. And you can’t make comedy out of that.”
Asked why homos love her, Lampanelli launches off again like a Tourette’s-afflicted sister who stole your speed.
“It’s profound self-hatred,” she says. “Nobody hates themselves more than a faggot than a fat chick. So they go, ‘Wow, she’s a chubby cunt who can’t get laid. We’re big dirty abominations — Godhatesfags.com — we’re going to hell. We have something in common.’ They sense that we both are fucking minorities in our own way.
“They like to be made fun of. They know I’m going to provide that, but with a very tongue-in-cheek twist so that the joke’s on the straight people who aren’t having as much fun as us. We’re the nerds, the two people who didn’t deserve to have success but we somehow came off the winners in the end.
“So the white straight people can suck a dick.”
I told you, all heart.
“We’re both happy. It’s the circle of life, it’s washing each others’ snatches.”