Leona Alleslev
Credit: The Canadian Press/Adrian Wyld; lattesmile/iStock/Getty Images Plus; Francesca Roh/Xtra
Salty Queers
4 min

Dear Leona Alleslev: All parades are gay

We can understand why the Conservative deputy leader was so confused

Here’s a controversial take: We don’t blame the federal Conservative Party deputy leader Leona Allesev for equating the St. Patrick’s Day parade to Pride parades. After all, parades are pretty gay.

To catch you up (and save you from listening to Allesev’s awkward interview): On CBC’s The House, host Chris Hall asked Alleslev about Andrew Scheer’s stance on gay marriage—an issue that has followed the Conservative leader since the federal election—and pointed out that Scheer is the only federal leader not to march in a Pride parade.

In the spirit of a confused Karen asking for a manager on Boxing Day, Alleslev told Hall that Scheer’s decision not to participate in Pride was personal: “We live in a country where that’s his choice. Have we asked anybody if they marched in a St. Patrick’s Day parade?” 🤔

Look. We know it was a stupid remark—and so does Leona, who issued an apology after the show aired. She tweeted: “Pride parades represent a wonderful celebration of the LGBTQ community and are an important symbol in the fight for LGBTQ rights.”

Thanks, Leona. And we can understand your confusion. 🙋🙋‍♂️

Parades are extra. They’re inherently flamboyant. They’re a display of people doing the most. They’re the embodiment of queer spectacle, no question.

Spongebob Squarepants Parade

Not all parades are Pride, but all parades are gay. Leona Alleslev got that much right.

St. Patrick’s Day parades are gay

Leprechauns are best known for stealing your lucky charms if ya’ know what I mean 😉. You can find them with a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, waiting to steal your man. They’re always dancing.

They’re definitely twinks.

Add copious amounts of alcohol and colour-coordinated green outfits, and this might be the gayest holiday parade in the calendar. Leona knows what’s up.

The Santa Claus Parade is gayer than Pride

With Mariah Carey’s song “All I Want for Christmas is You” as its unofficial official anthem and pop stars like Lady Gaga singing, “Ho! Ho! Ho! Under the mistletoe,” Christmas is definitely gay. And the Santa Claus Parade is an excuse to celebrate the ultimate daddy, Mr. Claus.

Daddy Christmas

It’s the biggest event for roleplaying enthusiasts: Furry? Dress up as a reindeer. Naughty? Come as the Grinch. Scarlett Johansson? A tree.

Truly, Leona is right: the limit does not exist.

The Easter Parade is really gay

Easter Bunny

Culturally, Easter is all about the start of spring and new life. The animals are coming out of hibernation! Chicks are hatching! It’s mating season! And you know the Easter Bunny is kinky AF.

Before you complain that we’ve sexualized a beloved family-friendly holiday icon, we’re not being facetious: The Easter Bunny has been appropriated as a kink icon. And it’s been theorized that the story of the Easter Bunny stems from pre-Christian pagan rituals, specifically the festival of the fertility goddess Eostre, whose animal symbol was the sexually voracious rabbit.

A parade celebrating the arrival of our favourite egg-toting dom is super gay, full stop. Sorry to Jesus.

Mardi Gras is very gay

Mardi Gras beads

Mardi Gras is gay—the Australians already know that. It’s historically celebrated as a day of feasting before Christians go on their religious Jenny Craig diet on Ash Wednesday and sashay their way to absolution.

In the spirit of feasting, it’s also a time when people can douse themselves with the extra things in life like a float with a giant clown face or one float with nothing but clownsbecause, #feast.

If it interests her, Leona can definitely join the parade. We hope she doesn’t forget her hat and nose tho! 🤡

Even the Boston Straight Pride Parade is gay

Straight Pride Parade

Remember in June when a bunch of straight dudes in Boston thought it’d be a good idea to throw a Straight Pride parade to assert their heterosexuality? Yeah, that was a very gay moment in 2019.

For starters, Milo Yiannopoulos—a gay man—was the parade’s grand marshal. Organizers expressed hope that they’d one day be part of the LGBTQ2 acronym (❓❓❓), and lamented being part of an “oppressed majority.”

When the day of parade finally came, organizers were met with a massive counter-protest… of queer people. In the end, more LGBTQ2 folks attended Straight Pride than straight people. These bros didn’t really think this one through, did they?

Let the record show: If you throw a parade, the gays will come.

So, Leona, don’t beat yourself up too much. The queers will see you in March, green beer in hand 🍀🍺.