3 min

Lesbian love death

Beating the bad-sex blues

Credit: Xtra West files

Has sex become passé? Boring? Too much effort? Fags have been talking about it recently in the pages of this paper. But what about lesbians? Are lesbians bored of sex? We asked a select group of lesbians to tell us whether they were snoring through sex, ignoring opportunities for it, too bored to be bothered with thinking about it at all, or ravingly enthusiastic about fucking and getting fucked. We share our findings with you.

Many lesbians remain incredibly enthusiastic about sex and they were absolutely emphatic in their instructions to us to write this up and put it at the beginning of the column. They’re tired of lesbians getting a bad sex rap because they’re fucking their brains out and have no plans to slow up let alone stop. Right on, sisters!

But there’s another side to the story.

Some women with very young children pointed out that the most desirable thing anyone could offer them is a good night’s sleep and once they’ve had that, they’ll get back to us about whether or not sex is boring. They don’t qualify as bored with sex, however, because they’re still pumped about the idea of it: Just not tonight, honey.

Several hot dykes broke the silence around sexual boredom. This is one woman’s story.

“Boring. I hate to admit it, but it’s boring. It never used to be boring. It used to be so exciting to have any kind of sex with women at all. And I’ve had some fantastic sexual experiences. But I confess, the thrill is gone.”

She is especially bitter because she had a negative experience with a doctor who predicted this very outcome at a birth control clinic years ago.

“There I am, 16 years old, flat on my back waiting to have an IUD inserted, really working at being heterosexual, and the doctor challenges my decision to have sex at all. There’s no question she was out of line and it was a very negative experience for me-I bet a few young women were sufficiently intimidated to never return to that birth control clinic again. But something she said has stuck with me: She said that if I started having sex this young I’d be totally bored of it by the time I was 40. For years I told myself this would never happen to me because she was obviously talking about heterosexual sex and I’ve been doing it with women since I was 20. But here I am, getting up there in age, and she’s right. I’m bored with sex. It’s just not worth the effort.”

When asked to explain what she meant by boring (okay, we’re a little slow sometimes), she said, “The physical aspect of having sex just doesn’t thrill me anymore. It’s the erotic tension involved in being in love that makes sex so hot for me and after 20 years of relationships with women, I don’t feel I’ve gotten anywhere with that. You’re with a woman for a few years and it isn’t just the sex that dies, it’s the sense of commitment and whoa, you’re dealing with another break-up. I just don’t have any energy for it anymore.”

“Ah,” we said, “you’re bored of sex because you’ve given up on love.”

We know the syndrome well: lesbian relationship burnout syndrome. There’s so much talk about lesbian bed death and the need to keep the sex going. But we are equally concerned about lesbian love death and the terrible toll that the serial monogamy relationship merry-go-round exacts upon our dear sisters.

Just as maintaining a commitment to keep the sex going in a relationship can prevent lesbian bed death, there is a cure for lesbian love death: time.

We used our powerful investigative skills to ferret out post-lesbian love death survivors, both of whom are now happily involved (with other women) and fucking their brains out. They had this advice to share: “If you’re bored of sex, it’s a sign that you should stop, take a time-out. Stay out of sexual relationships for a while. Take a break to build a new, happier and more fulfilled you. Invest time and energy into non-romantic relationships; give people in your life the love they need. It will make you feel more connected and combat the isolation that can be so overpowering when you don’t have a girlfriend. Do stuff you’ve always wanted to do but have never gotten around to, and make new friends who share your interests. The only cure for lesbian relationship burn-out syndrome is to take some time out to recharge your batteries.”

Sound advice but difficult to follow when lesbian lives are so organized around “the couple.” As one woman whined, “I wish I had a group of friends like on The L-Word and then it wouldn’t be so important for me to have a girlfriend.”

Aside from pointing out that TV isn’t real life (drat!), we suggest participating in group activities, whether they be sport or community related. There are a lot of fun, good people in this city. Now go out there and find them (but don’t fuck them, unless, of course, you really feel like it). What the fuck!