Vancouver
2 min

Let the games begin

Synchronized Flogging, anyone?

Credit: Xtra West files

Okay people, I’m sick of it being a conversational subtext. Let’s get it out in the open.



I hear people talk about how they’re afraid to play in public-or to approach a well-known player for a date-because they don’t play at a stupendous level of physical intensity.



Or maybe they overheard a conversation where someone was called a “real submissive,” which led them to wonder whether they were an unreal submissive.



So when did our pursuit of satisfying and exciting sex include obligatory participation in a race to the extreme?



Why would we measure the worth of our BDSM against how others play?



Let’s give all that competitiveness an outlet by pulling it out of the closet. I might get in trouble for using the O-word in this context, but I’ll say it anyhow. Let’s have the Kink Olympics.



Imagine eager spectators watching competitors in such events as the 100-metre Back-and-Forth Dash, which simulates de-kinking the house when the relatives arrive unexpectedly.



We could also have Watersports competitions-not to be confused with the Latex Leak event, which is measured by pints of sweat lost in rubber clothing.



In the tops’ division, there’ll be Synchronized Flogging, an event which can be blamed on play party house music with a too-catchy beat. And Skiing on the Very Edge Play, wherein competitors place their reputations on the line between dangerous BDSM play and community opinion.



Finally, there’d be the I Have More Slaves Than You Do event, that won’t even need a catchy name to draw scores of contestants.



In the bottoms’ division, there’ll be the Masochism Marathon, Nipple Clamp Time Trials and Testicular Weightlifting.



Interpretive Service Submission, wherein the bottom tries to anticipate the wishes of each of the judges, will be a sure hit. As will Endurance Fisting (with mandatory blood tests for poppers), and Equestrian Endorphins, human-pony-cart races featuring a runners’ high helped along by judicious use of the quirt.



We can even have a Public Relations Speed Speaking event to see how each contestant does with thorny ethical questions and a ticking clock, and a Changing of the Old Guard, where we settle once and for all who’s been doing kink the longest.



Then there’ll be the Polyathlon-for successfully negotiating multiple relationships-and Thin Ice Skating for those who fail at that event.



And while we cheer wildly for those who are going for the gold, we can feel free at last to evaluate our own sex and play by the only true measure-whether it makes us and our lovers hot, happy, and fulfilled.



*Elaine Miller likes fun and games.