Madonna was one of the influences who helped me come all the way out of the closet when I was a teenager. I tried to be straight, then sexually ambiguous, before tiptoeing into bisexuality. Then one day I was shoving a dildo up my ass while watching Madonna do disco rolls in one of her music videos and I finally realized how fabulous being gay was. Madonna likes gay men. She practically is one. And all I’ve ever wanted is to be Madonna.
The queen has been in the headlines a lot lately: rumours have been swirling about her new record (Martin Solveig, who has worked with Canadian electronic duo Dragonette, is reportedly producing); there’s talk about her feature film directorial debut, WE (which will be released on Dec 2, 2011 — just in time for Oscar nominations); and there’s outrage among her devoted fans over her loss of the Queen of Pop crown.
In the latest issue of Rolling Stone, the magazine listed the top “queens of pop.” Putting Elton John at number nine was cute, but giving Lady Gaga the number one spot was just blasphemous. Seems the public agrees, because when the music magazine put it to a vote, Madonna was back on top.
She will not abdicate, and no other bitch will take her spot. She is fucking Madonna, and she will still be doing disco rolls in her grave, just as I’ll still be shoving a dildo up my ass in mine.