3 min

Meanwhile, in straight . . . Penn State exposes the Heterosexual Agenda

BY ROB SALERNO – Straight people. Lately, they’re everywhere. Building hospitals, making movies about famous gay people, even teaching our kids. But are all these good deeds simply a cover for a deeply concerning “heterosexual agenda” that takes as its prime objective the raping of children?

Exhibit A: The long history of alleged sexual abuse at Penn State.

Militant crusaders for the heterosexual agenda.

Penn State assistant football coach and openly heterosexual man Jerry Sandusky was charged with more than 40 counts of sexual abuse involving minors. The assaults allegedly took place over a period of nearly 15 years.

Sandusky, who together with his opposite-sex wife adopted and raised six children, allegedly inflicted a pattern of escalating abuse on children that he met at Second Mile, a youth charity he helped found.

The alleged victims were all young boys, a clever ploy to throw investigators off the scent since Sandusky is such a raging heterosexual.

Some straight activists say it’s just a coincidence that this alleged child rapist is also a heterosexual. But how then do you explain that several known heterosexuals allegedly aided and abetted this spree of shower-room child anal rape? 

Once the charges came to light, it emerged that several people — all heterosexuals — at Penn State had been aware of allegations of child rape against Sandusky for nearly a decade. In 2002, a grad student walked into the shower room where he says he saw Sandusky anally raping a boy no older than 10 years old. After a cursory investigation by campus police, Sandusky was simply told not to bring children to the shower room again, presumably because carrying out the heterosexual agenda of raping children right in the middle of heterosexual HQ would arouse suspicion. Nothing else was done; neither the police nor the boy’s parents were notified. Two of the heterosexual men involved in the cover-up have also been formally charged.

Well, in a face-saving move, the Penn State board of trustees summarily fired two of the heterosexuals who knew about the allegations, including the beloved head coach, Joe Paterno. 

It can be hard for queer readers to understand, but let me try to put the scale of this in perspective. US collegiate football is like the heterosexual equivalent of Pride or the Oscars. More than 100,000 people cram into Penn State’s suspiciously named Beaver stadium to watch men in outfits that are both scandalously tight and ridiculously padded parade around a field, tackle and pin each other, and dance flamboyantly in joy. By firing the guy who ran the HeterOscars right before a game, some students thought the event was being put in jeopardy.

Notably, when we fire a heterosexual from running the real Oscars, we have the good sense to do it several months in advance and have Billy Crystal on speed dial.

So the students rioted. Thousands took to the streets of the campus, turning over a news van, knocking over lamp posts and pelting riot cops with rocks. It was like the heterosexual Stonewall, except that while adult gays in 1969 were fighting for the freedom to have consensual sexual and social relations with each other, the Penn State students were basically demonstrating for the right to anally rape children with impunity.

If these heterosexual child rapists are out there marching openly in the streets, it can only mean that this “heterosexual agenda” (I choose not to use the word “straight” at this point because it seems to imply a positive moral value that can never be associated with something as despicable as child rape) is more advanced than we ever suspected. It’s time for us to fight back, my queer brothers and sisters, because soon, these heterosexuals could be coming after your own children.

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