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2 min

Ménage à blah

The Third One is hot but hampered by dinner-table talk

The dinner may be long and awkward, but the after-dinner mint sure hits the spot in The Third One. Credit: VQFF

You can watch The Third One, or you can meet your own random couple online and then go over to their house to get double penetrated. It’ll probably be more exciting.

The film starts as an online chat between 22-year-old Fede, played by Emiliano Dionisi, and a gay couple, played by Carlos Echevarría and Nicolás Armengol. Their chat is intercut with porn shots to give a visual of their increasingly raunchy talk.

Eventually, the online flirtation leads to Fede being invited over to the couple’s house for dinner and play. It’s a classic fantasy: one twink and two daddies. You’ve seen this movie before on a porn website, and it probably took only 10 minutes or so for you to get to the happy ending. The Third One is a bit more of an investment. It runs just a little longer than an hour, but the anticipation makes it feel like it’ll never end.

Writer and director Rodrigo Guerrero does a beautiful job of creating authentic characters. The film is very real. Maybe too real. The dialogue is mostly small talk, and the scenes have a voyeuristic feel like you’re witnessing an actual hookup. The awkwardness between Fede and the couple is endearing; their chemistry is hot, even if the dinner conversation drags on.

There are subtitles, as the trio converses in Spanish, but they’re much less engaging than the well-played subtext. It’s sweet to watch the way Fede’s eyes open to the different forms relationship and love can take as the ménage à trois progresses. But the tedious dialogue and lack of plot have me checking out. The only thing that keeps my attention is knowing that after dinner Fede’s hole will never be the same.

Doubling up on Argentine beef may not be a typical dessert, but it, uh, sure hits the spot. The sex scene in The Third One is gratuitously long and not as daring as I’d hoped. The ass shots aren’t enough to keep me stimulated, which is disappointing, because there is such an extensive buildup.

At least the porn clips at the beginning of the film got my blood flowing. But it’s unfortunate that by the time the story reaches its climax, the flow is at a standstill and I realize this film isn’t going to help me reach mine.