Toronto
1 min

Midas touch

Keep the sparkle, bring on the buzz

C'EST L'AMOUR. Je Joue offers customizable vibration patterns to personalize your pleasure. Credit: (JEJOUE.COM)

They say diamonds are a girl’s best friend, but I’ll take a quality vibrator over a bit of sparkle any day. I mean really, grrrlz, which would you rather be stranded on a deserted island with, a lotta bling or a little buzz?

Of course if you’re Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham, you can afford the best of both worlds. In 2004, hubby and soccer star David Beckham coughed up US$1.8 million to buy her what was at that time the world’s most expensive sex toy — a platinum vibrator with a 10-carat diamond-encrusted base. Kinda gives new meaning to the phrase “lap of luxury.”

For the less-than-obscenely wealthy there’s now a 24-carat gold vibrator on the market, not-so-creatively titled Little Gold. A cool $325 will buy you this gyrating gem, which in addition to being made of medical-grade precious metal promises to be waterproof to a depth of five metres (for those deep water muffdiving adventures?) and “whisper quiet.”

To be honest, even the thought of this golden gizmo gets my back up, and not in a sexy sort of way. It strikes me as silly, if not downright offensive. Unless you’ve got some sort of Midas fetish, that level of frivolity doesn’t make any sense to me. It’s decadence for its own sake.

That said, I blush to admit that an even more expensive gadget, Je Joue, has recently captured my erotic interest. At $350, it’s being billed as “the cleverest vibrator on the planet.”

Brains are better than beauty, and sex toys are no exception. Boasting an onboard microprocessor, the little pink package comes equipped with 10 preprogrammed “groove patterns” lasting between five and 20 minutes. If that’s not enough to keep you entertained, it also comes with its own “Pleasurewave” software that lets you program your own custom routines.

Now all I need is a sugar mommy and a deserted island.