Opinion
1 min

Missionary is best, scientists say

State is looking into possibility of outlawing ‘outlandish’ positioning

Credit: shironosov / iStock / ThinkStock

Scientists from Indiana have concluded a ten-year-long study today that missionary sex is the best way for heterosexual couples to copulate.

“We looked at every data point possible,” says lead researcher Henry Jones. “There wasn’t much in the Bible to go off of, but what we could find and extrapolate clearly points to missionary-style intercourse being optimal.”

What’s more, the research paper, tentatively entitled “God’s Guide To Mind Blowing Sex,” states that any other sexual configuration could lead to eternal damnation if practised.

“That’s the most contentious part of our research, but our team is confident that any other way of having sex can, and will, bind your soul to Satan forever.”

“Obviously the most optimal way to have sex is to be married, perform it in the dark, and with a sheet between yourself and your wife,” Jones continues. “We understand that isn’t always possible, but it truly is the only way to have the most satisfying sex.”

When asked if missionary sex would benefit women at all, Jones replied that yes, women can achieve maximal pregnancy while ensuring their husband’s communion to God.

In response to the findings of the research, the government of Indiana is looking into the possibility of outlawing all other sexual positions. Government officials could not be contacted in time for publication, but Jones says he’s been contacted numerous times by the state.