Toronto Diary
1 min

More important things I learned from my mother

  1. "Your grandmother is 78-years-old. SEVENTY. EIGHT. She doesn’t have that much time left, and she wants to do some weed before she dies. Grow a pair and find her some weed. Also, I don’t want to drive her home afterward, so rent a car."
  2. "Oh my god, did you hear about Whitney Houston? This is why we take showers, Jeremy. You can’t drown in a shower. Unless you’re stupid, in which case . . . you kinda deserve it."
  3. "If I want to wear high heels to my nana’s funeral, I get to wear high heels to my nana’s funeral."
  4. (Immediately after her heels get caught in the mud, and she falls into Nana’s open grave) “I should not have worn high heels to Nana’s funeral."
  5. "You know what’s better than wrapping a Christmas present? Wrapping a Christmas present using saran wrap, Froot Loops, hockey tape, shot glasses, gimp and a cracker. Also a towel."
  6. "Did you know you were conceived to Madonna’s ‘Vogue’? It explains a lot about the way you turned out."
  7. "Every mattress is queen-sized when you’re gay."
  8. "Drag queens are like poppers: most straight people have heard of them, but not a single straight knows what they do."
  9. "Every movie about a dog will inevitably end with the dog dying, unless the dog can play a sport. Like basketball. Or polo."
  10. "I want an iPad for my birthday. Four of you came out of my bing-bang and it hasn’t been the same ever since. You owe me an iPad."

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