2 min

My crank won’t turn

Something about those pheromones

Credit: Xtra West files

Is sex the glue that binds us as a community? Is it the foundation that everything else is built upon? What if you remove that foundation, does everything else come tumbling down?

A lot of guys are active in the gay community for years and then one day wake up and realize that they haven’t been having sex and they haven’t been dating. Does this make them feel less connected to the gay community? Does this make them feel… less gay?

It’s a strange thing not having sex. I’ve been making excuses lately to explain to myself and to others why I’m not going around with a cute guy, or sharing stories about “the one I met last night.” I really like sex. I’m pretty sure I still would if I was having it.

I don’t want to mislead anybody. It’s not like I’ve just stopped “cold turkey.” But I don’t find myself really loving it, and so I don’t find myself really looking for it, not the way I used to. There was a time… I mean… I had a reputation. Nowadays having sex seems like so much effort. I mean satisfying, hot, passionate sex.

When I feel like having sex I have difficulty even figuring out where to find a partner. I know there’s the Internet and I know a lot of guys are using it-a lot-but it’s just not an environment I feel at home in.

I’ve tried a few other ol’ standbys, too. The trails, the tubs, phone lines and bars-all to no avail. My crank just wasn’t being turned. At first I thought I would just go on a little hiatus. I thought it’s what I needed and that I’d come back refreshed and ready to start again. Then it began to feel like I was digging in my heels. It’s not so bad, though. I can romanticize it as a spiritual journey. A period of celibacy.

Here’s the thing, though-one day I realized I didn’t even feel like a fag anymore. I mean, I know I’m a homo, that never changes, but I began to feel less visible to other gay men. I think it has something to do with pheromones. It’s like if you don’t produce them, men don’t even know you’re there.

This all boils down to my seizing the opportunity to really look at what it is that makes me feel part of a gay community. At what it is that binds us together. And I’ve just about figured it out. Really. But now that I think about it… maybe a nice handjob would make everything clear.

* Phillip Banks, a long-time community activist now working at Gayway, has glue… will travel.