Vancouver
2 min

My God loves fucking around

They're right-polygamy should come first

First same-sex marriage, then polygamy-I wish. The federal Liberals are as likely to legalize cannibalism, which would actually be handy when one gets storm-stayed with loved ones.

I chuckled with delight when I saw Prime Minister Paul Martin, a man who still has difficulty uttering the words “gay” or “lesbian,” selling same-sex marriage to the prime minister of India as if he were an Apprentice contestant hawking Tupperware. Is someone so out of his depth on queer issues our worst advocate-or our best?

There’s such a load of shit being sold right now, it’s hard work shovelling it all. Catholic bishops made the front page several times decrying homosexuality. Apparently it’s evil, the equivalent of adultery, prostitution and pornography.

Quelle surprise! I always thought it was a point of pride that homosexuals are the biggest per capita producers of adultery, prostitution and pornography.

With any luck these stellar celibates will soon get equal media coverage for their insights on birth control, divorce, sex before marriage, a woman’s place in society and the importance of confession.

Most consider RC doctrine to be something like a rotary dial telephone: it’s a quaint thing to look at as long as you don’t have to use it. So it remains a mystery why anyone would turn to the church for guidance in times like this, except that our elected leaders are making no sense. Exhibit A: Martin proclaims a free vote on same-sex marriage, then vows to fight an election on same-sex marriage as if the two ideas were not mutually exclusive.

And Conservative leader Stephen Harper just lies and lies and lies: Canadians don’t want equal marriage (they do: The most recent Environics poll puts support for a same-sex marriage bill at 54 percent); Conservative MPs can vote with their conscience (while the party proclaims its opposition to the bill in ethnic newspapers and screens its members’ speeches); the notwithstanding clause isn’t needed to offer an alternative (134 law professors disagree); and the courts are forcing this issue on Canadians (it’s a government bill).

Harper is not unique in his mendacity. Making up strange things about homosexuals is hotter right now than teen vixen Lindsay Lohan. Last month The Calgary Herald published this gem: “To qualify as a protected category in human rights claims, gay activists have drawn on two thousand years of sometimes bloody persecution, which largely ended 200 years ago.” Uh, the Holocaust 60 years ago? The bathhouse raids 24 years ago? Schoolyard bullying, oh, last week?

It’s so desperate. The only arguments that work against permitting same-sex marriage are the religious ones and the ones that are more generally: “homosexuality is gross.” Though the latter can seem so true at 4:15 am on a sticky dance floor, it’s not really a judgment on which to base political decisions.

Which takes us back to polygamy. If we’re to run this country according to the will of a compromise God, an amalgam of the best of Christianity, Judaism, Islam and Buddhism (Statistics Canada’s top four faiths) with a sprinkling of Scientology for good measure, sanctioned polygamy should take precedence over sanctioned same-sex marriage.

For my money, the polygamy debate would be much healthier for the country. At least talking about polygamy might focus on the ifs and the hows of government regulation of sex and intimate relationships, something that’s been sadly lacking.

We’ve been swimming in such shallow waters. Politicians behave as if queer issues were dirty talk, so everything’s in code, built around two topics: whether marriage is about love or baby-making (none of the government’s business) and about whether the Charter of Rights and Freedoms is a good thing (yawn). So let’s move on to more meaningful considerations.

Question one: Do the wives get to have sex with each other?