Vancouver
3 min

Nine-inch fingernails

You're soaking in it

Greetings loved ones! I return to you from Gay Paree filled with joi-de-vivre and ooh la la! The conference was a smashing success, and I must say those Pierres were perfectly perky.

Ah yes, it was like the days of old when the men were bold and the sheep were very nervous. Not at all unlike my riotously glamorous youth when pleasure and sin were constantly entwined like a pair of writhing, sweaty, naked dancers, writhing and sweating in a naked and lust-filled fashion, on a sweaty, naked dance floor….

Ah, but I digress. And it is so lovely to be back at the Kink Klinik, sharing my precious wisdom with you.

Our topic for today is your fabulous fingernails. There is simply no excuse nowadays for a glamour gal to have shabby digits. There is a nail salon on every corner. The manicure, once considered a privilege of the elite smartypants set, is now a quite commonplace beauty ritual. In my incredibly humble opinion, this is as it should be. Nothing ruins one’s Total Look more quickly than a mismanaged manicure. Details darlings, always remember the details.

You know, the ancients considered long fingernails to be a sign of status.

What’s that darling? Of course I don’t know which ancients exactly. What do I look like to you, a shrivelly old encyclopedia? We’re speaking generally here. Ancients, as in incredibly old people from some other culture. That’s all we need to know.

Personally, I find it essential to visit the nail salon every three weeks. This is absolutely the only way I can keep my impossibly long nails in shape. Between visits I make do with a home manicure. This way I am sure never to slip from my pinnacle of perfection even for the slightest second. So important.

To start off with, it is imperative to recognize the four different basic nail shapes. You may have round, oval, pointed or squared-off nails. There is a shape that is right for you. Remember how we coordinated your hairdo with your body shape and size? It’s the same thing with nails. Simplement, non?

You may maintain your perfect nail shape at home, using an emery board or nail file. I use a glass nail file, made from hand blown Venetian glass given to me by an old lover; highly recommended, if you can find one. The main point, however, is to file from corner to center on the nail. That is the surest way to avoid those annoying splits.

Cuticles can be a bit tricky. I know mine were positively sassy until I whipped them into shape. The thing to remember here is to never cut the cuticle. That can result in dryness, cracking and many other things too ghastly to be mentioned in polite society. You want to gently prod them into shape with an orange stick designed for this purpose.

First, we start with a little soaking in a lovely bowl of warm soapy water. Remember Madge? Well, you too must haul out the Palmolive and get soaking in it.

After drying off your dainty digits, you will push the cuticle back with the orange stick, tipped with cotton wool. What’s that? You have no orange sticks? No cotton wool? You must go shopping at once you ninny. Be off to the drugstore. These things are not difficult to buy. Do I have to think of everything?

Oh dear! So sorry. Sometimes the burden of imparting my beauty wisdom becomes almost more than I can bear. Did I mention that you should remember to clean the undersides of each nail with the orange stick and cotton? Well, good, then you are on to the cuticle cream. Just massage it in around the cuticles, no one wants to look at a dry cuticle. It’s too sickening really.

At this stage, you are ready to apply your polish. What lovely fun. You must start with a base coat and apply lightly and quickly, starting at the base and working out to the free edge of the nail. Beautiful!

Depending on the colour you have chosen, you may have to apply two coats. Be that as it may, the thing I want you to remember is the topcoat. This is vitally important to prevent nail polish chipping and flaking off. Nothing looks worse than chipped up nail polish. You might as well hang a big sign over your head that reads, “I am a ghastly wretch with no concern whatsoever for my personal appearance.” Or you could just go for a simple “SLOB” with an arrow pointing downwards. Either way, the point is well made.

All right my darlings. I think you have this all pretty well in hand now. Don’t forget a good daily dollop of moisturizing creme for your dainty mittens, and c’est magnifique! You are done.

I must love you and leave you now dear ones. I’m off to the spa. I long to be wrapped in seaweed, pummeled by a stranger and to feel the deep heat deeply penetrating my pores.