Arts & Entertainment
2 min

Notes from an internet-free land of smut

Porn on the brain

Pierre Orneaux illustration by Know Nothing.

What the fuck has happened to our imaginations?

Between social not-working and the plethora of explicit porn that puts everything one could imagine at the click of our sweaty, horny fingertips, it’s hard to remember a time before the internet existed.

I recently cancelled my internet connection after an unpleasant altercation with a Bell representative and did without it for seven months. To deal with this porn drought, I had to get inventive.

Since I come from the pre-internet generation and spent my teenage years getting my rocks off to scrambled porn, I can be pretty resourceful. First, I just imagined random cocks floating above my head, then I turned to the R-rated films in my collection, and finally, in a state of desperation, I jerked off to my roommate’s work-out videos.

When I got back online, I vowed never to use my imagination again!

Why bother when instant satisfaction is available from sites like Gay Tube, Xtube, Gay Male Tube or whatever tube I happen to stumble across? The answer is simple: the book is always better than the movie. Erotic fiction lets you do the casting and create the action the way you imagine it, and it’s a refreshing break from the World Wide Web of wanking. Many men are quick to dismiss erotic fiction as a women’s thing, but I beg to differ.

Since you probably won’t run out to purchase a book of erotic fiction upon finishing this article, I’ll help you cheat a little by sharing one of my favourite online sources — nifty.org — where you’ll find smoking-hot stories organized in every category conceivable, from “incest” to “urination” and everything in between. The stories are the perfect length and the sex is graphic and steamy.

If that’s not kinky enough for you, check out fetlife.com. It requires a free membership, but it’s well worth the five-minute registration process. Here you’ll find real stories written by other members about their BDSM adventures. You can share your own or join groups of like-minded perverts, according to your kink.

At this point, the likelihood of your heading out to Chapters is probably even slimmer, but if you do go, there is a decent selection of erotic fiction available, such as the one I’m clutching in my hand: Best Gay Erotica 2003, edited by Michael Rowe. The collection is a bit wordy and cheesy for my taste, but it’s perfect for the long commute home when you can’t stop undressing random strangers with your eyes.

If you’re more of a writer than a reader, scribble down your own erotic story and accidentally leave it in your partner’s bedroom. If you’re as lucky as I am, that scene will be recreated when you least expect it. I warn you, though: be careful what you wish for, cuz you just might get it!

Michael McCarthy is a Montreal performance artist. Porndoggy appears in every issue of Xtra.