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2 min

Olympics-inspired porn watching

Orgies, polo matches and cheerleaders!

HET VERSUS QUEER PORN? Who cares? Go team!

I’m probably the laziest porn watcher on the planet. I rent movies and they just sit there on my dresser, collecting dust while I flip through whatever porn’s on TMN (which doesn’t require me to get up off the couch and load the DVD player).

After almost a week of watching the Olympics I figured it was time to take some initiative. I mean, here you have these Canadians in Beijing getting their asses handed to them, the least I can do is get up off the couch and get me some pornography. Also, after a week of athleticism, I had a hankering to watch some athletic types have sex. Which in the hetero porn world (the only porn I watch — long story) means cheerleaders!

The obvious choice would be the 1978 classic Debbie Does Dallas but I’ve seen it and frankly I’m not too fond of the dudes in that film. I don’t know. They all look so fuzzy. It’s upsetting.

So I decided on a more updated version of cheer-porn, the Digital Playground flick Cheerleaders.

The nice thing about Cheerleaders is that the production quality is pretty up there; crappy camera work and lighting are pet peeves of mine. The premise of Cheerleaders, like the premise of most pornos, is that American cheerleaders (unlike the Canadians) are sluts who like to play truth or dare in the locker room and talk about being slutty while prancing around with their boobs hanging out and their white socks on (which is oddly hot, the little white socks, why is that?).

The star of this film is current reigning porn queen Jesse Jane, who is like a Barbie doll you watch have sex. But really the hottest thing in this movie is Adrianna Lynn, a tattooed, Rizzo-like, husky-voiced chick who plays the like in Cheerleaders. In real life Lynn is a tattoo artist, food for thought, if you ever feel like getting tattooed by a pornstar at Psycho Clown Tattoo in Texas. Gotta love those Texas ladies with their hot, I-can-kick-your-ass ways. In this movie Lynn is nice and helps this other dorky virgin “softmore,” who looks all of 16 in the movie, have sex with her sleepy, giant-penised boy-toy.

Cheerleaders ends with a nine-girl orgy. I’m not sure if this is anything to get all that excited about. Adding more women to an orgy doesn’t make it any sexier, it just makes the action that much harder to follow, not unlike the water polo match I caught on the CBC Olympic coverage the same day. Canada lost to Spain. Cheerleaders, on the other hand, totally a winner. Go team!