2 min

On anal bleaching

A friend who grew up in the Northwest Territories likes to describe how polar bears are all white save for their dark eyes and black noses, and how during snow storms they’ll lay on their stomachs with their front paws covering their faces waiting for passing seals. This is just another example of natural camouflage, kind of like chameleons, bugs that look like sticks or spiky fish who blend into the rocks on sea beds. Sometimes it’s a natural protection and other times it’s a way to hunt — just ask the seals.

When I first heard about people bleaching their assholes, or more specifically, people paying to have their assholes bleached, I thought of polar bears again. It’s not that people want to trap seals with their anuses, but that they need their holes to blend into themselves as well as a polar bear in a blizzard. This doesn’t really feel like protection or hunting. It’s something else, something that makes me sad.

Isn’t this just another example of people still traumatized by their outsider status in high school when the right shade of jeans or hair or makeup was the difference between cool and loser? Please tell me that society’s issues with pigments hasn’t manifested down there as well.

Perhaps people fear that the difference of even the smallest part of themselves, a part as small as a rosebud, could lead to rejection. I’m sensing a support group in the making, a support group where everyone sits around in a circle talking about how the-darker-than-when-they-were-younger holes have ruined their lives — or at least they used to feel that way.

When will folks realize that this is just another way to make people feel shitty about themselves? If someone kicks you out of bed for having a darker hole, kick them right back. Or, better yet, start a covert plan where you slowly increase their consumption of raw beets, which apparently is a major cause of anal darkening. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.

I’m all for aesthetics and such, though anal bleaching crosses the line. Not even Martha Stewart herself would be that anal — pun intended. Perhaps the bleaches should be saved for the inventor of this procedure’s blackened heart. Man, karma is going to have fun.

I suppose I should have seen this coming. People have been flossing their asses with thong underwear for years. Why shouldn’t they teeth whiten their holes? What’s next, Waterpik enemas?

In the meantime, I’m wishing for the day when polar bears make me think about Klondike bars again, instead of asshole bleaching, global warming, and those poor damn seals. And I’m wishing people would love themselves again, and stop thinking that they need little bottles of topical sunshine to make them happy.