Anyone can put down $50 on The Artist to win Best Picture, and anyone can measure the odds as to whether or not Octavia Spencer will win Best Supporting Actress over Melissa McCarthy. Fact of the matter is, the Oscars are usually boring and unwatchable, and all the winners are picked by an insular group of people about as far removed from you as a relaxing massage is from teabagging an anglerfish. My point is you need to spice up the Oscars, and what better way to do that than to bet on the Oscars without giving a single fuck? Here’s your guide to Oscar betting like the honeybadger you are.
Odds Billy Crystal will spend the entire show in the same “I just shit my pants” position as James Franco did last year: 100 to 1.
Odds Uggie will do something cute in order to wake up the audience: 2 to 1.
Odds the horse from War Horse will do something cute in order to wake up the audience: 25 to 1.
Odds the horse from War Horse will be sold to a glue factory immediately after the ceremony when the movie doesn’t win anything: 150 to 1.
Odds Melissa McCarthy will shit into a sink again: 1,000 to 1.
Odds Gary Oldman will shit into a sink again: 3 to 1.
Odds one of the Kardashian sisters will show up, even though they’ve never been in a movie — Epic Movie doesn’t count — have no talent and shouldn’t be there: 1 to 1. (Feel free to take a shot when you see them on the red carpet. In fact, take two if it’s the one who looks like a Wookie.)
Odds one of the nominees will wear a sheer dress that accidentally reveals her nipples: 10 to 1.
Odds it’ll be Christopher Plummer: 5 to 1.
Odds Meryl Streep will accept her Best Actress Oscar while still in her character from The Iron Lady: 20 to 1.
Odds Meryl Streep will accept her Best Actress Oscar while still in her character from The Ant Bully: 500 to 1.
Odds Woody Allen will masturbate just a tiny bit anytime someone mentions A Night in Paris: 5 fingers to 1 penis.
Odds you’ll get sick of referring to Jonah Hill as “Academy Award nominee Jonah Hill” reeeeeeeeeal fast: I already hate it.
Odds George Clooney and Brad Pitt will just get it over with and fuck already: Please?