Toronto Diary
2 min

Parodying Paris

In an effort to reach out to the gay community following a recent scandal involving a leaked conversation wherein she says that most gay men are disgusting and that most of them will die of AIDS, a parody Paris Hilton sent the staff at Xtra a letter regarding her contributions to the gay community. We’ve printed it below in its entirety:

Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii everyone!

I’m a parody Paris Hilton. You might remember me from, ummmm . . . You might remember me.

You don’t? Shit.

I’m writing you today to tell you how very, very sorry I am. Well, I’m not that sorry. I’m not even writing this to be honest. I don’t know how words work. I can’t even eat alphabet soup without a tutor. I’m dicating this to my new assistant . . . What’s her name? Gertrude? Ew. Gertrude is a fat name. I’m going to call you Tinkerbell.

Anyway, my PR team tells me that I’m supposed to be sorry. So accept my apology. My words were taken completely out of context. You know, because there’s totally an appropriate context to say that disgusting gay men will die of AIDS. I can’t think of one right now, but I’m sure there is one. 

What I meant to say is that if you have gay sex, you will die of AIDS. Apparently, there’s this thing called “a condom” that will stop the transmission of HIV, and there are like these pills you can take to manage your T-cell count to ensure it never develops into full-blown AIDS, but you’re assuming I know what either of those are.

But in all seriousness, I don’t hate gay people. Some of the people I pay to be my best friends are gay! It’s black people I hate. I mean, people who are different! Ick, right? . . . No? THAT WAS OUT OF CONTEXT!

Oh, random aside here: The other day, I was getting out of a car when a group of locusts flew out of my vagina and ate a group of school children. Does anyone know how to stop that from happening?

All right, I need to wrap this up, because my handlers are telling me I’m just making things worse, and Tinkerbell just put a loaded semi-automatic in her mouth. In conclusion, I don’t hate anyone, I just think that people who are different shouldn’t be allowed to exist.


A parody of Paris Hilton

P.S. Does anyone know how to get assistant blood out of an oriental rug? Oh, wait, the locusts are taking care of it. Never mind! 

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