We’ve assembled a gift guide full of gems and absurdities
And have serious doubts you’ll ever even have heard of these
Like a marzipan pig, fuzzy jock and buttless underoos
Berzerker alarm clock and bike wine rack, too
This is part two of our guide and if it doesn’t appeal
If we’ve made no impression with our gift-hunting zeal
Then we’re afraid you may be left on your own
But at least you’ll have enjoyed this ridiculous little poem
Holiday dinner at Church Bistro
On Christmas Day enjoy a fixed-price dinner — roast beef, seabass fish and chips, roasted turkey or butter chicken — with either a glass of wine or a pint of beer.
$35 Church Bistro, 555 Church St
dutil Denim Shop
What is more comfortable than denim? Since opening its first concept store in Vancouver in 2006,
dutil Denim Shop has been making its name in the world of premium denim. Not only are dutil’s denim lines comfortable to wear, but the experience of finding just the right pair is surprisingly comfortable as well. Dutil’s spacious Queen Street West location has a focused team that prides itself in making everyone feel at home in the sometimes stressful process of buying jeans. “Denim is one of the greatest forces in fashion in the past century,” says store manager Kaitlin Churcher, “and dutil is the destination.”
704 Queen St W, dutildenim.com
Clocky Alarm Clock on Wheels
Pressing snooze causes it to jump off the table and roll around the bedroom beeping until it finds a place to hide before sounding the alarm again.
$55 Rolo, 24 Bellair St
Philips Shaver 9000
A shaver so high tech, you might as well have a cyborg trim your whiskers. Includes a head that moves in eight directions and a pod that both cleans and charges.
Andrew Christian CoolFlex retro brief jock
These undies are made of super-soft fabric and resist fading and shrinking — because your boy and shrinkage don’t mix.
$34 Out on the Street, 551 Church St
Disaronno Wears Versace
Designed by Versace, this limited-edition bottle of Disaronno liqueur is great for anyone who likes to get tipsy in style.
With Vega products for pre- and post-workout and 10 percent of proceeds going to Fife House, the Fuel Plus gift jar keeps on giving.
$25 Fuel Plus, 471 Church St
A rare find this side of the Rhine, this traditional German treat is often given for good luck.
$6.25 All the Best Fine Foods, 483 Church St
Stop! We have your clitoris surrounded! Oh, wait, don’t stop. That’s good. That’s verrry good. The Crave Duet is waterproof and USB rechargeable (you can charge it from a laptop).
$165 Hanky Panky, 764 Queen St W
Attach any Fleshlight to the easy-to-grip platform, add an iPad (versions 2 to 4) and enjoy a surreal and new approach to sex play and porn.
$30 Come As You Are, 493 Queen St W
More Fool Me
In the second volume of his memoir, Stephen Fry was offered drugs. Then the book ended. The third volume picks up the tale, detailing his narcotic-fuelled misadventures in the late 1980s and early ’90s.
$38 Glad Day Bookshop, 598 Yonge St
Harlot’s Guide to Classy Cocktails
Delicious drink recipes and trashy drinking stories from some of the world’s most beloved drag queens, including Toronto’s Carlotta Carlisle.
Bicycle wine rack
Made in Montreal, this leather rack attaches to most frames. Note: we do not advise drinking while biking.
$40 BYOB, 972 Queen St W
Handshake masturbation cream
You lock the door, turn on your computer and drizzle this oil-based cream all over your cock. It seems to melt as it touches you. You take hold of your throbbing rod and spank it like it owes you somethin’.
$13 Out on the Street, 551 Church St
Surely the perfect leather bag. Made in Montreal from thick, full-grain, Italian leather, with an interior spacious enough to hold all the essentials for a weekend in the country.
Frank and Oak, 735 Queen St W
Red Hot 100 $95
This One Summer $19
The Art of Asking $30
The Men of Inked Kenny $65
Glad Day Bookshop, 598 Yonge St
Meow Meow tank top
This spooky kitty design is printed on 100-percent cotton American Apparel shirts — a unisex tank top suitable for summer fun, sleeping or the gym.
$30 Model Citizen, 279 Augusta Ave
Dragon Age: Inquisition
Cremisius “Krem” Aclassi is lieutenant of The Bull’s Chargers and a badass mercenary in the Tevinter Imperium. He’s also a transgender man. This surprisingly inclusive fantasy RPG is rife with queers.
Bobby Skull Soap
Made in France, this spooky little cutie contains 24-carat gold powder, organic vegetable oils and frankincense (how festive!).
$22 Art 27, 899 Queen St W
Mountie adult onesie
Cute, patriotic and ready for bed. Give this locally designed unisex onesie to somebody you want to keep warm on the long winter nights.
We-Vibe 4 Plus
The future is here, and it’s vibrating your vagina from the other side of the planet. The We-Vibe 4 Plus can be controlled by your international playmates via a downloadable app.
$180 Good for Her, 175 Harbord St
Gravity Pope carries this and a range of other scents from the Farmaceutica di Santa Maria Novella, one of the world’s oldest pharmacies.
$135–155 Gravity Pope, 1010 Queen St W
This soft and fuzzy jockstrap is made locally by Raw Studio. Because bears are actually just adorable.
$30 The Men’s Room, 465 Church St
FTM heavy packer
Large enough to make an impression but designed for comfortable all-day wear in jockey shorts, jockstraps and packing shorts. Available in white, brown and black.
$20 Stag Shop, 532 Church St
The only care this flower requires is that you take care to leave it alone (it requires no water).
$30 Ladybug Florist, 513 Church St
Wormwood absinthium cream
This Prospector Co product contains no artificial additives or colourings and leaves skin feeling refreshed but not oily.
$40 Easy Tiger Goods, 1447 Dundas St W