Every year, the Stonewall Awards are held in London to honour those who've helped the LGBT community over the past year. They also, oddly enough, hand out the annual Bigot of the Year award, which is exactly what it sounds like. This year's winner was televangelist Pat Robertson, and a hearty congratulations to him on his achievement! Nice to see him finally doing something with his life.
Apparently, Robertson was not there to accept his award — his invite must have got lost in the mail — but we did manage to get our hands on his acceptance speech . . .
Gosh, what an honour! I didn't even know I was nominated! Oh, wow, who to thank, who to thank?
Well, first I want to thank God — not the actual God, mind you, but the one that lives inside of my head and tells me who to hate. Huh, now that I say it out loud it doesn't really sound like God, does it?
I'd like to thank snopes.com, which is where I found that urban legend about people using hidden needles and rings to infect people with HIV. Can you believe people bought that one? I know, right!? Next week, I think I'll tell everyone that Pop Rocks and Coke make your stomach explode.
I'd like to thank the Facebook for allowing me to suggest a "vomit" button people can click whenever they see pictures of happy LGBT people. I'd also like to thank my grandson for explaining to me what the Facebook is.
And finally, I'd like to thank my fans. Without them, I'd just be another crazy asshole spreading hatred. But thanks to the institutionalized infrastructure of homophobia across the globe, supported by millions of people the world over, what I do has actually been legitimized. Hell, I have a TV show! I may be one lone bigoted individual, but it's all of you around the world that allow me to do what I love!
Which is hate. I love to hate.
Oh, and before I go, I'd like to thank — wait, are you guys playing me off with the theme from Jaws? Tacky. That is tacky.