Cost: $1.50 each
“I have a particular fondness for the bubble-wrap dildo, just because I think it’s genius,” says kinky crafter Janet Hardy, who saw it done at a party and had to try it herself. “You take a piece of bubble-wrap — depending on what length you like your dildos, 10 to 12 inches square — and you roll up the bubble-wrap and then you put a condom over it. It’s got a really nice degree of softness to it, and when you’re done with it you toss it so you don’t have to worry about clean up or anything like that.” Girls, now’s your chance to really come with a bang.
Knotted-rope chew toy
“It’s a dog’s chew toy that you can throw and have the dog chase after,” says Dan Madden, who leads workshops on perverting everday objects for kinky fun. The toy consists of a thick knot in the middle forming a heavy rope ball with the rope extending out of either end to form a handle. “It’s wonderful for using for CBT [cock and ball torture]. You can have someone tied up and just sort of swing it into their nuts, and because the knot has weight behind it you don’t have to use a lot of force for there to be a good impact.”
Shocking dog collar
“One of my favourite pervertables is one of those shocking dog collars,” says Madden. “Obviously I’ve got a 21-inch neck,” points out Madden, a big bear of a guy. “It’s not going to fit around my neck, so you wrap it around the balls. You have the electrode fitting around the balls and that way if you’re out with your master or your dominant for the night you give them the remote control so that they can zap you and get your attention no matter where you are in the bar.” Gives a whole new definition to jumping to attention.
Trevor Jacques, a sex educator who also runs workshops on pervertables, is a fan of toothbrushes, especially the ones with the little rubber pick on the end. “Think of the shape of it; it has a nice flat end that can be slapped, just about the right size to slap on genitals,” he says. “It can be very gently rubbed along the skin anywhere, including the genitals. But it also has a fairly rough texture if you put pressure on it, so you’ve got a very versatile toy there.” If you use one with a rubber pick on the end, Jacques has more perverse ideas. “You can point that into sensitive areas, like pointing it into the middle of a nipple, pointing it into the genitals.”
“One of the classics is the bumble ball,” says Jacques. The colourful ball, marketed for both toddlers and pets, has a motor that causes it to lurch about unpredictably. “It’s meant for one- to two-year-olds; it sort of bounces along the floor and the kid tries to catch the thing. But when it’s suspended from various parts of the body, it provides a rather, how shall we say, provocative experience.”
Cost: $0 (Who doesn’t have one of these in their kitchen?)
“The kitchen fork is a wonderful pervertable. People don’t think of how versatile a kitchen fork is,” says Jacques. “It’s pointed, it’s flat, it’s heavy, it can be delicate if held right…. You can easily persuade somebody that a kitchen fork is many different things. If you take the side of one tine, and you run it down someone’s arm, they might think you’re running the point of a knife down them.” Alternatively you can use a knife, but a fork is much safer.
Clothespins and binder clips
“The wooden ones are all nice and fine,” says Madden. “There are plastic ones with little jagged teeth too and those are good for not just nipples. If you want to silence someone who’s chatty but you don’t have a ball gag, put a clothespin on their tongue. That’ll shut them up really quickly.” These little devils can be pretty painful so if you’re just starting out, Madden recommends using the wooden clothespins in fleshy places with fewer nerves. These include the webbing between the thumb and the finger, and loose skin on the arms and earlobes. “If you catch just a little bit of skin, that’s going to hurt a lot more than if you catch a lot of skin, so you want to put it on the flesh deeper in.”
Time: One hour
“Bungee-cord floggers are wonderful,” says Hardy. Just take unfinished bungee cord, or remove the hooks from finished cord. Then “peel back the fabric on the outside,” says Hardy. “What you have inside is a fairly thick piece of rubber that breaks apart into a lot of individual strings. Tape the cloth part so that it doesn’t unravel any farther up and, while you’re watching TV or something, you separate the strings.” Hardy loves this one because it’s so versatile. “[The strings] are very silky, so if you use it just at the ends they have a lot of sting, but you can also use them very caressingly.”