2 min

Polite raunchy sex

When dos & don'ts shouldn't apply

NICE AND LOVELY. Fine for dates, but not for aggressive encounters. Credit: Tony Fong

The guy seemed pretty rough and ready for action, and you were oh-so-ready for a wild ride.

He grabs you and pushes you to a dark corner of your favourite sex hangout. He spits on you, makes you beg for cock, slaps your butt, calls you nasty names. He growls like a bear, cums all over your face and then, sort of relieved but not totally satisfied, pisses on you.

Just seconds later, he helps you stand up, gives you a sweet, harmless smile and says, “Thank you.” Right before leaving, he shakes your hand and adds, “Take care” in a maternal tone. By that time, if you’re not too sore or tired, you may legitimately ask yourself: “What the hell was that?”

I’ll tell you what, he was being sexually correct. Too polite and warm for a guy that was treating you like a rat just a couple of minutes ago? Welcome to a world where not even ruthless sex ignores the rules of politeness. If you are aware that even casually touching someone’s elbow on the street will require an apology from you, sex politesse shouldn’t be at all surprising.

“Nice to meet you,” becomes a preamble to a sexy, oily wrestling session. “Don’t I know you from the club?” or, “Where did you have that piercing done?” leads into an unforgettable bondage encounter. But some day, I expect a stud to approached and gently ask: “Excuse me, sir, may I touch your penis? I’d appreciate that.”

Where’s a guy supposed to draw the line? No one wants to sound like a barbarous, insensitive jerk. But going too far can certainly be a major turnoff for that drooling twink. Especially if he’s not a vanilla man and would rather be tied to a lamppost on Yonge St, instead of being hugged all night.

An SM specialist knows all the rules, including making up an otherwise meaningless word to tell his partner when it’s time to stop, so as to avoid any polite expression in the heat of the moment. But even he, after all is said and done, will often start a nice chat on favourite vacation spots.

I know, you don’t need to yell at me. I know it’s great to find a civilized, gentle man to have sex with, even if it’s a handjob in a washroom stall. But sometimes all that niceness can be too much.

Small talk, for example, is definitely a major turnoff. Picture yourself in a dirty, sleazy room in a bathhouse with four other guys. After some, “Yeah, yeah, man!” one of them, free from his sex beast persona, asks, “Have you noticed they changed the carpet?”

And that will be enough to engage you and your sisters in a pointless conversation on décor and how difficult it is to find a matching upholstery for your apartment’s recently painted walls.

Such small talk can even turn to the weather. You’ve been in some kind of modern, dark, humid cave for three hours and, after a frantic rimming session, suddenly remember there’s a world outside.

“You think it’s raining?” spills out of your mouth. Then it’s on to asking him where he bought that fabulous stretch shirt, and a perfect fuck memory will have been spoiled.

I agree we should treat each other respectfully, even after making some guy choke on our precious milk. But some subjects belong to an afternoon chat at the nearest coffeehouse, not the bathhouse.

On the other hand, some impolite lines should also be banned from any sex environment. “Do you have any disease?” “Are you single?” “What do you for a living?” Even if you have marriage in mind, that’s not the way to start a relationship.

Next time you think about improving your sex manners, keep in mind that thanking someone for sharing some kinky quality time with you is fine, but saying please every time you want him to do something to you is not (unless you’re a professional slave, that is).