Toronto
2 min

Porn reviews: Mass Appeal

Ken Ryker & pussy fail to deliver

BI NOW. Peter Johnson checks out the ladies with the nails.

They say your body completely replaces itself every seven years (I think with the exception of your brain cells? Please get back to me with some research). I occasionally decide that could be true for sexual turn-ons. Because I have those periods where I’m so excited by armpits that I suffer through basketball games praying for the next foul shot. And it takes work and time to get into watersports properly.

I decided it was time to see if I could get into two things: Ken Ryker and bi sex. So I had a look at Mass Appeal (from Men Of Odyssey).

Ken Ryker. Why doesn’t he work for me? He’s got it all going on. Can’t deliver the line “Yeah” with any conviction. Big and studly. Nice smile. Hair that recalls the halcyon days of 1980s glamour porn. Giant dick to back it all up. But I’d rather watch paint dry. (That’s clearly a lie. I’d rather watch Hank Dutch get fucked up the ass.)

There’s more to Mass Appeal than just Ken. There’s a whole lot of pussy as well. I really did give it the college try — I have friends who get off to straight porn, so why can’t I? I’ll tell you why: I’m an eight on the Kinsey scale. Watching women have giant cocks shoved in their split beavers is not pornographic to me. Neither is it disgusting. I’m not a fag who finds snatch repugnant. I just can’t rise to the occasion. Watching women suck oversized dick is vaguely comical. Watching women with inch-long carefully manicured nails fingerfucking any available hole is frightening. But you know, I guess if you’re into it, Mass Appeal is as good as anything to get you off.

About 20 minutes into Mass Appeal, I did a quick eject-and-switch and watched Hard Studies, the latest Buckshot release. Besides being overheated, the film continues Buckshot’s new theme of trying to inject some real gay life into arch porn — this time, Brian Hansen plays a shy college kid who eventually gets laid by his dream stud: Adam Dexter. But Hank Dutch’s butt is the real reason to watch.

My idea of straight porn involves a straight bodybuilder bent over a workout bench, spreading his hypersquatted ass and speaking directly to the camera, running his mouth at great length about how he knows what I want to do to his muscle hole. If you agree, check out Hard As Rock from Blue Blake.

I’ll get back to you in seven years — maybe I’ll be jonesing for some hot snatch by then.